Perfectly Imperfect

November mindfulness: Day 4 - 'Perfectly imperfect'

Taken from my instagram post:

#mindfulnovember  #perfectlyimperfect  #day4  #mindfulness  #scar  #18staples  #scapularsurgery #scapularmuscledetachment  #shouldersurgery  #myscarmystory  #notoplasticsurgery  #bodyshaming  #lovetheskinyourein  #blogger  #outofthelymelight 

It wasn't difficult to think about what 'perfectly imperfect' made me think of - my scar.... obviously! Although this isn't exactly what I envisioned writing...

Scars are my battle wounds. From injury to surgeries & beyond, they are part of me; they remind me how strong I can be - they are a sign of strength and healing.  I blog to spread awareness of a rare injury; to show anyone can rise to life's challenges; to tell MY story; and hopefully, to help someone else.  Recently I posted images (see picture 4 below) following cupping treatment showing my scar, plus swelling & bruising, as well as a skin reaction to my PICC line dressing adhesive (for Lyme disease IV treatment).   

A plastic surgeon commented under my photo - maybe I would be interested in her 'regime' (which from her instagram page seems to be plastic surgery and botox). My first thought was why is a random doctor commenting on this? Occasionally I've had comments or mesages/ emails specific to my surgery (it remains, over 5 years later, relatively unknown in the world of medicine), but this was different.  I did look on her instagram page - it's filled with very stereotypical photographs and commentaries of facelifts, botox and 'we can 'fix' you'-type stuff. I did not look further on her website, as suggested - I'm not interested, but the bigger implication was: this imperfection could be fixed. 

Not something I have ever thought about, looked for, inquired about, written about, etc.

I'll admit this hit hard.  I have never hesitated in sharing my photos, or talking about my surgery; and I have built relationships and networks with other patients who have contacted me over the past few years. Suddenly I glimpsed it from a different perspective. Why? Does this doctor think I should hide my scars? Is it appropriate for doctors to target other women (or anyone?!) on social media?  Is it ethical? Is 'scar shaming' a thing I've naively avoided thus far? In that initial moment I was stunned: shocked, then quickly I felt angry.  Have I been cyberbullied by a doctor?  I am not ashamed - I blog and post photos of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Reality.  I don't intend to change that.   

2012-2013
Pre-surgery -> healing over 1 year
(Bottom left, 2014, pre-surgery number 2)

October 2017: post-cupping therapy

October 2017: 1 day after cupping therapy
Can you see my scar?
Can you see my symmetrical scapulae?
I.e. the visible evidence of successful surgery...

Collage from instagram with plastic surgeon's 'innocuous' comment

It's not blatantly nasty, but after looking at the instagram page (with no interest in browsing her website), it's very difficult to draw a different conclusion.  I decided not to reply.  Now, my instagram post, and this expanded blog post is my reply.  It's not a reply to the doctor, it's my reply to anyone with the mindset that any part of the body is imperfect and needs to be 'fixed'.

I was just going to ignore it until I stumbled across this Buzzfeed article about actress Sarah Hyland ('Haley' from Modern Family) the following week. She has a health issue and a magazine published an article speculating she had plastic surgery.  Buzzfeed relayed her response (via twitter) to the magazine where she (rightly) raged at doctors speculating over her 'potential surgeries' and made clear the 'changes to her face' they were commenting on (there's another controversial topic on its own.... how about people just stop doing that?) were the result of "life saving medication".  (I don't usually read celebrity news/ gossip, but apparently she has suffered with kidney disease since childhood and it was not 'new information'.)  The timing was serendipitous.

I may not be famous, I may not have much 'reach' with my comments or my blog; but I think it is every bit as important for anyone, whether targeted publicly or quietly, like this, to stand up and say this is NOT OK.  If one person reads this and takes away that message, then it is worth saying. 

And, FYI, my scar looks fucking awesome. My PT says it looks just like a plastic surgeon did it. 😏

31 Dec 2014: Shoulder surgery 2 - capsular release

March 2012:  <2 weeks post surgery

End of March 2012: 1 month post-surgery

Incision healing progress March 2012 -> March 2013

   "The scar meant that I was stronger than 

what had tried to hurt me." 

~ Anaïs Nin ~

November Mindfulness: Comfortable

November Mindfulness: Day 3 'Comfortable'

I think this really speaks for itself, but for a brief explanation of the most comfortable 'bed nest' in the world:

Back/periscapular muscles spasm causing horrible, lasting pain (talking over a week of heightened pain here) & a very unhappy body...

Nurse: Don't sleep on that arm [with the PICC line in it]

Physio: Don't sleep on that shoulder if it's compressing nerves

Body: .............. OUCH! Can't sleep.... 😱!!!!

Insomnia driven brain = best creative ideas EVER.

😴

Comfortable
#bednest #pillowfort #icepacks

I literally put the cushion back on the chair 3 days in a row and ended up hauling it back to my bed in the middle of the night again.  It's been back on the chair for several days now and my bed no longer looks like a nest.  Every night since, I have stared at it and wondered if I'd be sleeping already if it was back on my bed....

"Insomnia is my greatest inspiration."

~ Jon Stewart ~

November Mindfulness: Nourished

November Mindfulness: Day 2 'Nourished'

Unsurprisingly, I'm playing catch up on day 2.... I took the photos, planned the posts... not sure I have a reasonable excuse for not even uploading a photo!

'Nourished' did make me think a little bit more deeply about what true nourishment means just now. Yes, I eat well (even with the 'good' dark, organic, low sugar chocolate... mostly); I can't drink any alcohol because it would prevent antibiotics from working; I drink loads of water & herbal teas; I take various supplements - some antimicrobial, or ones that work in some way to complement the antimicrobial action of medications/ herbs, and others to boost antioxidants and aid in detoxing my body as it (hopefully) is so exhausted because it's clearing out nasty, twisted (ha ha... Lyme jokes) spirochetes.  But that didn't really feel like it went very deep - it was too literal, so I think this collage better represents how I 'nourish' myself right now.

'Nourished'
#herbaltea #organicchocolate #cactusgarden #breathe #ifyoucandreamityoucandoit #butterlies
#justwhenthecaterpillarthoughttheworldwasoveritbecameabutterfly
#somepursuehappinessotherscreateit #art #myart #arttherapy #flowers #candles

There is tea (green tea, ginger tea, matcha tea, turmeric tea, kava tea, 'breathe deep' tea, 'throat coat' tea, 'bedtime' tea, milk thistle tea, fruity teas, fruity green teas, minty teas.... basically everything except 'real' tea - British and I dislike tea.... I've got the healthy ones though & I think that's what counts here!) - all with the obligatory hipster(hippy?)-but-I-love-it tea bag tags offering a dose of philosophical existentialism a few times a day, and some amazingly tasty coffee-chocolate from our local health food store.... no, my diet's not perfect, but I TRY!!  

More representative of how I 'nourish' (/boost/ motivate/ pick a synonym) myself are all the little things I surround myself with. I like to look around me and feel the little boost I get from these things I've inadvertently collected or created over the years.  I find this in quotes, art, plants (although I fear they might really be struggling for light now the clocks have gone back, unless they can get on board with my personal Lyme-time-zone), books, scented candles, special cards, my piano, (a million) notebooks, paints, pencils, pens, sketchbooks (different from notebooks), colouring books and a variety of my own creations.  Lots of little things that make me smile, make me think, or remind me how much I enjoyed creating them.  Some are clear messages - and perhaps the reason I've sworn at 'cheerful' inanimate objects on the odd occasion; some are things I have spent valuable time and energy (and spoons) creating myself - painting, drawing, planting....  Creativity is truly a form of escapism and is probably where I find mindfulness best.  And even if some objects seem irrationally annoying on bad days, most of the time they serve their purpose and remind me to focus on the positive.

Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.

~ Earl Nightingale ~

Mindful November

I had this plan to try to really focus on my blog this month. A project, a post a day - something to aim for, however small it may seem. My health seems to be dominating everything right now, and making it a thousand times more difficult to be even the slightest bit productive… or organised, or tidy, or really 'functional' on a daily basis.  It feels like I am either at some form of medical appointment, most often physical therapy; infusing my medications or flushing my PICC line; or sleeping.

I thought taking photographs would be an easier way to set a realistic goal, and then I came across this 'MindfulNovember' on instagram so adding a little bit of guidance and ready-made inspiration seems like a good combo! Plus actively employing some mindfulness everyday has  to be beneficial.

"Mindfulness is to keep our consciousness alive to present reality"    

~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~