Meditation Failure

I can't believe it's halfway through June! The last few weeks have been rather eventful, shoulder-wise.  I keep thinking about writing a blog post and then I really don't know where to stop or start... I'll try to update a bit soon... lots happening though, some not so good stuff for a while, so I am trying some new things.  One is seeing a chiropractor, Dr J - as it seems one of my ribs has been out of place and causing a lot of my pain.  The adjustments are temporarily agony - but just for a split second, and afterwards it does help my pain... also only temporarily though....it's complicated, so perhaps a post on that will come later.  Dr J also has a heated hydrotherapy massage bed, which is my new favourite thing since my new acupuncturist has recommended I stop using my ice machine... which I was seriously addicted to - and made no secret of that.  I feel a little like an alcoholic counting how many days without alcohol - it's been 13 days without ice now......

Dr J has also tried me on "guided meditation".  I told him I would be terrible at this, but I am trying everything and anything thrown at me so here is how the first 22 minute session went: 

(I have noise cancelling headphones on through which the 'calming' voices play and my eyes are closed, but with dark glasses on which flash coloured lights at different times.)

"Imagine you're on a beach"

Ok, favourite beach I've ever been to.. hmmm... I liked a couple in Australia a lot (played them through my head) decided they hadn't been that hot when I was there so went through a couple in Florida, then decided Grand Cayman was definitely my favourite, ok, I am lying on seven mile beach in Cayman... oops, missed what I'm supposed to do next...

"Imagine you are meeting your future self, 5, 10, 15 years from now"

Wtf? I'm supposed to be dealing with things on a day to day basis here - that's what everyone has been telling me ALL year.....one day at a time....  I can't imagine that....*panic!*...  missed that next bit....

"Imagine where you live, what kind of car you have....."

How is this meditation? Isn't that a bit superficial... I actually don't care about cars.... why should that matter? Oops.... missed another bit...

".... imagine walking into your hallway"

Ok, I can do this, I'd like a glass atrium with tropical plants.... a big palm tree, maybe a banana tree....it would be so cool to grow my own bananas....what other tropical plants are my favourite... oops..... pay attention"

".... Imagine where you see yourself living... Where in the world you would like to be.... What...

Ooh, where would I live if I could live anywhere (run through a dozen countries in my head).  If it was somewhere tropical I could grow bananas outside... I'd definitely pick somewhere tropical.... maybe...  I'd really like a fruit orchard, just a small one... Just think how good everything would taste right off the tree... Hmmmm where would I live? Actually, I think I'm supposed to be thinking of something else now.....

"blah blah blah"

I wonder why the blue light is being flashed into my right eye?   I wonder if it's because my left eye doesn't see as well or if it's supposed to have some neurological effect....  I wonder if it's like the binaural beats thing where it's supposed to induce specific brain waves to make your brain relax... Actually, the binaural beats do that much better, they just make noises, they don't make me think so much.... hmm... maybe if I squeeze my right eye shut tighter, I'll see what the left eye is supposed to see.... (tried it, eventually opened my left eye to see no colour there, felt relieved my left eye is not getting worse.... missed more of the guided stuff)

"Imagine you could go back in time and change something... What would you change?"

Right now?  Well, since the chiropractor has just tortured me by putting my rib into place using his 21st century rack because my muscles are unable to hold it there now and it seems to be pressing my scapula out of place, clearly the first thing that flashes into my head that I would like to change is that I would not have grabbed on when I slipped on the stairs... Actually, if I can change anything, I suppose it would be not falling at all.....

"Imagine what you would say differently, how you could take control of the situation and change it....

Ok.... Clearly not thinking about the right thing here....

"Imagine how you would replay that event in your head as a black and white movie, letting it go far into the past and letting go of it....

Well,  I've done this wrong.... (try to change my thoughts, realise it's too late and now the only image in my mind is watching myself fall downstairs on a black and white TV set... Which really takes on more of a slapstick effect than I think it it supposed to).... Oops.  Again... Pay attention....

"You are in control...

No I'm not, control is an illusion; nobody's in control, we just think we are until something happens and we realise we're not... Einstein said reality was an illusion... Stop thinking philosophically.... rein it in....  Try harder....

"You are in control of everything that is happening to you...

This is crap.

"You can make it all different by deciding you are going to take control of your situation, leaving the past behind you and moving on to the future you envision for yourself.... It is as simple as making that decision...

No it's not.  That's what I've been trying to do for nearly 2 bloody years now.... well, 8 actually if you count everything...  If it was that simple I'd be doing somersaults again.  Make a decision - go to uni, work hard, have surgery, work hard, go to physio, work hard - I've done that.... I've done that until I've cried and nearly passed out with pain.... I do my exercises every day, despite my pain.  I am TRYING to be in control but it's really not as simple as that.... Wouldn't it be great if it was....?  HOW is this helpful...??

"All your problems are behind you..."

Yeah, I really wish they were... But that's kind of why I'm here....

"You can move away from your problems, away from anything that is holding you back....

Well unless you've created some magic thing that lets my consciousness live outside my body right now, that's really not true....  I wonder why the flashing lights are getting faster.... I wonder what that's supposed to do.... it's very bright blue light, I thought that was supposed to wake you up, not soothe you.... I wonder if it's supposed to induce specific brain waves... I think it's delta waves that are supposed to calm you....I think that's what the Buddhist monks achieve through meditation... I must look that up....

"imagine yourself calm, relaxed, let go of any tension... (then two voices started speaking at once - that in itself is not calming.... one was talking about calming thoughts and the other one was talking about negative emotions)

This is weird, I wonder if I'm supposed to be paying attention to both... most people can't really listen to two things at once... I wonder if this is supposed to be subliminal... I remember watching old subliminal adverts before they were banned, I think that was at primary school... They were cool.....I wonder what voice  is supposed to be subliminal... Or maybe I'm meant to pick one to listen to....hmmm....  It also reminds me of that mobile phone advert that used to be on Classic FM before driving and using phones was banned at home.... oops, pay attention...

"If it is an appropriate time for sleep, you will feel yourself falling asleep, peacefully, with no stress and no problems...

It's the middle of the afternoon and I'm in a chiropractor's office... Am I supposed to fall asleep?  I'd rather fall asleep back on the hydrotherapy bed... It's amazing.  I wonder how much they cost... I wonder if you can rent them.... I must look that up too.... Ooops, again.... Pay attention....

"If this is not an appropriate time for sleep you will find yourself feeling awake, and lighter and free from the stress that surrounds you... Full of energy....

If I WAS supposed to fall asleep, wouldn't this wake me back up again... ?These seem very contradictory.... if it is subliminal and subconscious, how is my brain supposed to know what one to listen to.... Also, lighter and free from stress... I've just been told it's normal to be really sore after my adjustments and I generally feel beaten up afterwards...... Ok, it's finished... 

Well, that was a long 22 minutes...

So.... meditation + Gail = big failure! Although strangely I did sleep well that night.  I'm not sure if it had to do with the meditation, or the fact that I'd had 7 hours of sleep out of about 60 by that night....

I'm torn between two quotes here, I think they both apply.... one perhaps more meditation-y, the other definitely more fitting:

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”

 &

“This world is but a canvas to our imaginations.”

  ~ Henry David Thoreau