Spot the Difference

It has been a couple of weeks since I blogged.  It feels like March has just disappeared this year.  I have probably spent half of it asleep and the rest of my awake time split between physio and lying on my bed with my ice machine anyway.  I really did have a rotten bug, coughed far too much for anyone, never mind the current state of my shoulder - I still don't feel like I'm completely over the bug yet, the cough is kind of lingering, but not too bad anymore and my glands still feel a bit swollen, my throat's still not quite right - not enough to really make me say it's making me ill, but definitely enough to say it's still hanging around. And I know any extra stress on my body just makes me exhausted just now, so not much more I can do about that... apart from the sleeping!

Friday was my birthday.  It definitely led to a lot of reflection, thinking about this past year and how much I really have improved, but also realising how far I still have to go and this time last year, as I've said before, I really thought I'd be back to normal by now.  It was, however, a big improvement on last year's birthday - not that that would have been hard!

I was comparing photos, so I did this:

On the left, last year's birthday.  Turning 30 with my super-sling on was definitely not a high point of the year.... Note the arrows: 

 - My SLING!! Permanently attached at this point

- You can almost see my socks and leggings - I couldn't put my own socks or shoes on at this point, and even the leggings were awkward and a bit of an effort to get on - but I could only wear those, or sweatpants, because I could not fasten buttons or ties; also my leggings were pretty much the only thing that fit me properly because I had lost so much weight in the time between injury and surgery because the pain made me feel so sick all the time.  This year I am about a stone (14 pounds) heavier - I am a size 2 now; no more double zeroes! - and I am delighted about that, so I am announcing it here.  In public!!

- Top: a vest/ tank top that I could actually step into and then put my arms through the straps - with help - getting anything over my head on my own was impossible, and even a baggy T-shirt required help... so I lived in the tank tops and cardigans (which I also needed help getting on)

- My hair:  washed in the kitchen sink by my Mum the day before so I would have clean hair for my birthday, and obviously just left to dry on its own since I couldn't style it; also spotty face from the stress, no make up because it was almost impossible... and also, I really didn't have the energy to care!

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On the right, turning 31, one year and 3 weeks after my surgery... These arrows:

- NO sling!! In fact, my right arm is 'holding' the cake box (actually it's not really taking any weight yet, but it can reach it...)

- Boots! With laces! Tied by me! (I do still have to sit on the floor to tie my laces/ put my shoes on, but it's still progress.)

- Tights! Try to put on tights one-handed and then you will appreciate this achievement!

- The arrow on my shoulder is actually pointing to my dress - which goes on over my head, no zips or buttons (that might still be a good thing), and which I can get on and off on my own.  I actually bought this dress last summer and I tried it on in the shop and had to call my mum to come and help me take it off - again, marked improvement.  The little things add up!

- Also, given that my entire health details are available for all to see anyway, why not point this out too.... I am wearing a BRA under that dress!  Still soft and wireless and carefully selected so the straps don't press against my sore bones, but this is also progress!! 

- Styled hair, pink hair (dyed with my own left hand), the ability to wash my hair on my own, style my hair on my own, and put on make-up.  To be fair, these are all currently done left-handed (totally ambidextrous) but last year even that was painful - actually, I wasn't even supposed to use my left hand for much at this point last year according to the Dr's instructions as it could still pull against the surgical area across my back.

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Plus, we went out for dinner.  I still had one pillow with me, and I do still have to make sure I am adequately drugged to survive any trip out, but again, it is all baby steps and they add up.

It can be quite frustrating for me trying to examine my progress day-to-day, as it is slow.  I don't see big differences, because it's not happening like that.  Having a visual comparison really helps me to look back over the past year and realise that I have made huge steps forward in what I can do now - all because the baby steps add up.

And, yes, I wish it was faster, I wish I could just work harder and see results quicker, but I think it has been pretty much established that isn't going to happen; this surgery doesn't work like that. So being able to play 'spot the difference' between the photos was a pretty positive mental exercise for me.  And I hope that next year's birthday photo will just be a normal photo of a normal me ... actually, being upside down or hanging from a flying trapeze or something similar would be even better...! Watch this space!

A day to look forward to:

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky”

  ~ Buddha

(Im)patience, physiotherapy and turning t-h-i-r-t-y

Last week I turned 30. In all honesty, it wasn't really a great day - not that I had high expectations with my sling still permanently attached, too many drugs to combine (safely) with any alcoholic drinks, and the inability to stand or sit for very long without almost fainting.... So celebrations are on hold until later this year.  Until then I think I will continue to be 29 (and 12 months).


Seriously, I don't feel 30. Thirty years is such a long time! When I was younger 30 seemed like a proper grown up, time to have it all pulled together and life mapped out.  I wonder if anyone ever gets there or if it just seems like it when you are younger....  Turning 30 seems to  demand a real review of life-so-far and, for me, I'm really not where I thought I would be.  Looking back over the last seven years is difficult and it's so unreal sometimes to consider how long Lyme affected me so severely. It's so easy to think about how rubbish it's been and to wish things had been different.  But that doesn't change anything, of course, so looking forward is far more important.  Mum read something to me out a magazine article, an interview with the actress Julianna Margulies in which she said when she turned 30 her mother said, "honey I wish I knew how young I was when I was 60!" So I guess it really is all about perspective! And I think the best thing my Mum said to me this week was, "Gail, you should be delighted to leave your twenties." Maybe she's right... here's to a much better decade!


I did have a fantastic cake - all Mum's creativity:

On Thursday I started post-op physiotherapy for my shoulder. I was really worried about it.  Things are improving, the pain is less, but it's still severe. At the moment sitting unsupported or standing still makes me feel nauseous and dizzy and as if I am going to faint.  Moving my shoulder at all makes me feel worse - things start to go black at the edge of my vision, I can only see straight ahead and I have to close my eyes and concentrate really hard to stop myself blacking out.  This is partly from pain and partly coming from a couple of muscles that attach from the scapula into the back of the head.  Because they haven't been working and they are really weak they are causing these symptoms when they contract.  This week I am also allowed to take my sling off.  They told me I would start to feel ready for this and I would feel as if I don't need it anymore.... nope! Not yet.  At the moment my arm feels like a dead weight when I take the sling off.  I really struggle to move it at all and my hand swells up in minutes.


So I was feeling a bit concerned that I wasn't progressing quickly enough and I thought physio would be a real struggle.  Actually, it made me feel a lot better (not the exercise bit!).  Apparently patience is required! My physio, Angelo, is fantastic.  He had spoken at length with the clinic in Kentucky, he had the therapy protocol from them, and most importantly I was exactly what he was expecting.  He really reiterated the point that I've had major shoulder surgery and then a long period of immobilization and this is all going to happen really really slowly.  Proceed with caution, it seems.  For the first few weeks I have teeny tiny movements and a bit of teeny tiny passive movement (where the therapist moves my shoulder, I do not engage the muscles).  It is important that we don't do anything to damage the repair and tear the muscles off the bone again...!!!  In saying that, even the teeny tiny movements made me feel dizzy and the blackness started to creep in, but I didn't faint.  In terms of taking the sling off, I have to try to increase the time I can keep it off (unsupported) by a few minutes each day.  I managed 20 minutes twice today. Baby steps....


Everyone at the physiotherapy place was really impressed with my scar - it looks great now, it is healing really well.  They reckoned it looks like a plastic surgeon did it - and I guess they see a lot of scars.  This is my latest photo:

After all my reflecting this week, and for certain friends (you know who you are!) I think this is the perfect quote: 

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."

               ~  John Lennon