Chaos

Tomorrow marks one year since my surgery.  When I look back over my blog, and my diary, to this time last year I was filled with such optimism - a sense of excitement that, finally, I was going to be 'fixed'.

It's really hard for me to compare then and now.  If everything had been the same, and I had still to make the same decisions, I know I made the right decisions and would make them again - without the surgery, I would never have regained the use of my right arm.  But honestly, I thought I'd be handstanding by now!

My case has been unique, at least... I suppose... my doctors tell me it is "fascinating" and "interesting" for them, and that they are learning from it so at least I feel it will help someone else with a complex case in the future.

And I am getting there, it was probably better that I did not know how hard it would be, how long it would take, or, worst of all, how much pain I would continue to have now - one year on.  But nobody knew how my body was going to respond.  And nobody knows how much of a part Lyme plays in recovery from surgery either - there is some speculation, but there is no solid scientific evidence that gives any proven information on possible effects.  It is easy to feel low, to feel I want to make faster progress, but I always remind myself that I would have made exactly the same decisions if I had to do it over.  And at least that makes me realise that even although I wish I was more in control of it all; I wish I could speed up the healing; I am in the best possible place I can be in, given the circumstances I had to deal with.  

At physio on Monday, I was complaining of increased headaches and neck pain and after a thorough assessment, Angelo said, "your neck's in the wrong place".  Great... another super-weird thing I've been told this year. He told me I am trying to do too much again -  a small improvement is exciting, but then trying to push it too much can have a negative effect.  Sometimes it seems never-ending, but all I can do is keep at it, work hard (as appropriately as I am allowed) and still give my body time to heal... which, it still needs lots of, apparently!  One of the hardest things is accepting that trying to do everything for myself is not the best thing for my body and accepting help with day-to-day things (as simple as filling or pouring a heavy kettle, even left-handed) is something I really need to do.  It is just so difficult to feel like I have to say "I can't do this" a hundred times a day.  I have always been determined and independent and I hate the feeling of failure and inadequacy that produces.  At the same time, I then have to go back to the advice I was given last year about thinking of resting as "enabling healing" and that (sometimes) helps.... a bit...

I saw this on Pintrest, and given my life over the past year has been chaos (physically, emotionally, actually I think in every way imaginable!) I am therefore hopeful that this magic little bit of wisdom from cyberspace is correct and great changes will come from this.

Gotta keep some hope...........

It also reminded me of one of my very very favourite quotes, which I used exactly a year ago too:

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

   ~   Friedrich Nietzsche

Gotta try try try......

Every day I time I write this blog I wish I could start it with something really positive - some amazing progress in my movement, or the magical disappearance of my pain... or the magical discovery of a drug or concoction of drugs (herbs, teas, whatever... I try them all) that has made my pain vanish (not only would  that be great for me right now, I reckon it might make me rich too...)  However, every time I sit (lie) down with my computer and start to type it always feels like my reflections are negative.

I hate to seem negative, and most of the time when anyone asks how I'm feeling, they rarely get the full, honest answer.  It seems so much like complaining.  Although writing feels more like reflecting; therapy... even if I still have to look forward to the time the reflections are more positive.

This week feels a bit like it's just been one of those weeks again.  My pain got worse on Tuesday night and really hasn't eased in that specific area since then.  When the pain increases, all I want to do is sleep; except (as yesterday's blog explains) I don't sleep at bedtime - I take all these crazy drugs that I HATE that I'm still taking, sometimes they work well, sometimes they just take the edge off for a short time and it's not enough for me to fall asleep; I end up topping up my ice machine at 4am; topping up the drugs at 6am and then eventually falling asleep.... all damn day.  I've tried the very logical - just make yourself wake up early and you'll go to sleep early.  Nope, doesn't work.  I've even tried - several weeks ago - just giving up on sleep.  One day, late last year, I went to physio on zero sleep, had a normal day and then still couldn't sleep until after 4am.  I think I said this before, my Doctor reckons I should just give in to my body's time zone and try living in Hawaii or Tahiti. Good plan.

In the meantime, trying to get comfortable in between (literally) a dozen - maybe more actually - pillows, hot water bottle and ice machine shouldn't be THIS HARD!! 

Every day, I always do my exercises - I do have a new one this week.  I have to try to strengthen my subscapularis (muscle under my scapula) by pulling on red tubing.  Doing this with my right arm makes me feel like I am getting really strong - I can pull! - I'm improving! - and then I do it with my left (just for balance) and my new-found illusion of strength quickly dissipates.  The tubing is not very difficult to stretch.   Anyway, I'm taking what I can get, I could barely tie my shoelaces a few months ago!  And the plan behind this is that it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps, theoretically, be the case that if my new pain is actually the scapula 'unsticking' and the pain is perhaps, maybe, possibly caused by the bone pulling on all the weak muscles, then it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps... be reduced by strengthening the subscapularis muscle which would hold it in place. This would be a good thing. Well, really, it's absolutely all relative, but in my case, right now, IF that is the case, it would mean what my physio has been trying to do for 3-4 months is actually working.

It was working before; in a gentle way, my measurements slowly increased at the end of last year; my arm movement (i.e. the head of the humerus was moving and not stuck) was better and very s - l - o - w - l - y, certain arm positions were achieved, mostly with assistance at the moment 

IF, however, this pain is coming from scapular winging, it means the scapula is no longer completely stuck down by scar tissue and I'm hoping that might mean more options, faster.

I see my specialist physio, Marty Kelly on Tuesday morning in Philadelphia so I will be all prepared with questions and hope that he will see some small improvements since November.

However, I tried to read up on "frozen scpaula" again today and found that on Google, Ask and AOL, my blog is the first hit in "frozen scapula".  So, that's kind of cool, but totally not helpful in my quest to find more information!   I've love to hear from anyone who stumbles across my blog while searching for their own information - I believe we all have useful things to share.

In the meantime, all I can do is TRY  - as can anyone, everyone, with everything we all have going on.  So I have selected Pink's song and I'm going to see if I can find the live dance from the AMAs to put below the lyrics.

Let's consider it a motivational PINK (who's just awesome anyway) song of the week.  This week is about TRYING.

"Try"

PINK

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

  *        *        *        *        *        *

Ever worry that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you're out there doing what you're doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

  *        *        *        *        *        *

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

And for some amazing extra super motivational PINK :

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

Always true:

Success is dependent on effort

 ~ Sophpocles

Frozen Scapula

"I know you've been screaming this at everyone for months, but I think your scapula is stuck." said my physio.  This was established by various movement/ manipulation attempts, all of which I failed miserably - it seems the muscles under my scapula (particularly the subscapularis) are not really doing what they should be doing.  I've also been getting a lot of increased nerve-y type pains and strange symptoms like burning in my hands and, strangely, a sensation where it feels like ice cold water is 'leaking' out a specific spot in my hand/fingers - I check to see if something has dripped on me but it's always dry.  He now thinks that might all be coming from compressed nerves under the scapula.  The pain I am still getting wrapping round my side along certain ribs would also be explained by everything under my scapula being 'stuck' as the same ribs originate there.


Next step: "I'm trying to get my fingers under your scapula and pull it away from the thoracic cage." And yes, that hurt as much as you'd imagine!


I've heard of a frozen shoulder before this year, and I've heard (and learned) a lot about it this year.  Before, I always thought it just meant the joint was stiff but basically (my basic understanding now) it's when fluid gets into the joint and it literally freezes/ solidifies and makes it impossible to move.  Usually that refers to the actual ball-and-socket joint we think of as our shoulder (I have problems here too), but there is also such a thing as a frozen scapula.  My understanding of it is that basically when everything ripped apart when I fell, and then was unable to move properly for so long - before and after surgery - it has healed kind of stuck together.


A frozen scapula's a bit more unusual (of course it is.... I really should have realised by now there is not one aspect of this injury that is normal/ common) - I tried searching Google Scholar for "frozen shoulder" and got 8,910 hits and for "frozen scapula" I got 1 (yes ONE) hit - I wasn't expecting a lot, but this still really surprised me!!  On Science Direct I got 2,009 hits for "frozen shoulder" and 3 for "frozen scapula".  Even Google threw up 10,400,000 search results for "frozen shoulder" but only 671 for "frozen scapula".


I have been saying that's what it feels like for months.  It's like everything is glued together and I simply can't make my shoulder blade move.   That's pretty much what it looks like too.  I think probably a lack of movement was expected after my surgery so it's been hard to tell before now what has been within 'normal' range for after the surgery and what has been a real problem.  Now, given the amount of healing time I've had, it is very clearly not moving as it should be.


Sometimes for a frozen shoulder they will aggressively manipulate the shoulder under general anaesthetic.  We did discuss this but there is a risk that without me being aware of pain, the person doing the manipulation could torque the shoulder excessively and damage the repair.  I've been told that I can't do anything to damage it now (i.e. exercises), but it is still very weak and excessive force could damage it.


However, the solution is to stretch out the tissue and get some movement back in my shoulder blade again so this week I have taken Valium, along with my usual strong painkillers and muscle relaxants before physiotherapy and I have been able to tolerate a bit more movement and massage of the area.  I am not knocked out, or even dopey enough to not feel the pain - it still hurts! - it just means I am able to tolerate a little bit more, so gradually it should loosen up a bit and I should be able to move it a bit more.


I have a ridiculous tolerance to drugs - actually, I don't even think tolerance is the right word given that I've never taken Valium before in my life, my brain just seems to fight them (when I was 12 I got my tonsils out and they gave me a strong sedative pre-surgery that was supposed to knock me out and it did not... actually it was a really horrible experience and I vividly remember the entire, um... 'trip' I suppose is the word  - had I ever been inclined to take drugs, that experience would have put me off! So it's just the way I've always been!).  Anyway, I've required quite a strong dose, combined with other strong painkillers, and taken on an empty stomach to even get enough of an effect for this to work.  It doesn't last very long either - maybe 90 minutes, so I have to time it all very carefully to get the optimum dose working at the exact time the physio is working on me.    And to top it all off, my strange reaction to drugs means the Valium - often used as a sedative - is giving me insomnia on the day I take it, so it's been 5am before I've been falling asleep... however that has meant that I've pretty much slept all day the day after the therapy which has probably been the best way to deal with the horrible pain.


The extra movement and massage in the surgical area is making me feel like I've been beaten up.  It even hurts to breathe right now because my rib cage expanding is agony.  I've had to increase my pain meds again and feel like I'm permanently attached to my ice machine... But even in two sessions, my physio is amazed at the increased movement he is getting with my arm - OK, it's nowhere near even close to normal, and I still can't move it like that myself, but it has to start somewhere and this is the most improvement I've had in months.


The plan is to try this for a few more sessions, see how the movement increases and then I'm hoping to try some therapist-guided aquatic therapy in a heated pool.  The idea is the heat is good for the muscles/ blood flow/ healing etc. and the buoyancy effect reduces the weight of the arm and (hopefully) it will move more, so my movement should increase.  


I think it's a bit torturous right now, but I am feeling really positive about trying this - it makes sense to me based on how my shoulder feels and how it moves (or doesn't move actually) and I think the fact there seems to have been some improvement after just two sessions is really encouraging.  


And in between all that we have been trying to unpack and organise the new house.... I say "we".... really, I'm pretty useless right now and Mum's doing a fabulous job!  We still have quite a lot to do though.....


It seems the day for a feel-good positive, motivating quote!

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." 

            ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You must have been a real bitch in a past life"...

... said my friend to me this week.  Real friends know exactly how to make us smile. No gushing sympathy... which actually makes me feel really uncomfortable  - what exactly are you supposed to say when someone says "oh you must feel soooooooooooo awful" or "I feel sooooooooo sorry for you"?  I feel a strange compunction to reassure them that actually not being able to use my right arm isn't that bad; or talk about how I'm practically ambidextrous now; or stand rather awkwardly not saying anything at all while they look at me with "the head tilt" (remember Friends?!), they fuss a bit.... then usually they reach in for the hug, say they'll only hug me on the good side, and then reach around and continuously pat me on the broken scapula/ surgical site.

 I know, it's all very well-intentioned, and I very much appreciate it... BUT being told I was a bitch in a past life was refreshingly funny! And most importantly, it made me laugh!  There's nothing like laughing with a fabulous friend..... it should be considered therapy!

It's been a pretty rubbish couple of weeks.  I had some intense pain in my shoulder, burning in my upper arm, hard lumps appeared in the bicep/tricep area, my movement - even the "easy" stuff I was doing became much sorer.... last weekend I was seriously worried. I felt like I had a bad flu that somehow connected to my sore arm. I couldn't stand up for very long without getting dizzy - not just a little bit dizzy, proper spinning, even with my eyes shut; dizzy still when lying flat on my back and that was accompanied by nausea... combined with my 'usual'.  I had some blood work done and am waiting on the results of that.  Maybe it will show something helpful.

If not, it seems that it is the pain causing these symptoms/ incidents.  It really just feels like my body is saying "I've had enough of this pain and  I need to sleep. I don't seem to have a real say in this!! It just happens.  Ugh.

It has definitely been a time to live in the moment and not think too far ahead (sometimes dinner is too far ahead!) because, honestly, if I try to think too much right now I'd go crazy.  This is very much a step-by-step approach.  I don't know how I'm going to feel from day to day, or week to week.  It feels impossible to plan things right now.

In other news, we are moving house tomorrow.  My Mum has been like superwoman again! I have really been close to useless in packing/ lifting/ carrying anything! My Dad's been working a lot so she's packed most stuff herself.  My Dad's been helping move some boxes to the new house this week and had a few guys from work who very kindly spent some time helping yesterday packing and unpacking the van my Dad hired.  They got a lot of great stuff moved.

Tomorrow the movers are coming for the furniture and then there will just be some bits and pieces so sort over the weekend.  It's quite exciting! 

It's also my Mum's birthday tomorrow!  I think we'll celebrate over the weekend as tomorrow is going to be a v - e - r - y busy day!

Hopefully it will go smoothly and hopefully next week I'll get my results back and I can move on from there.


In the meantime, let's hope I had a glimmer of nice in my past life that gives me good karma!

“The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion”

                                ~  Albert Einstein

Hoping for answers

Tomorrow we are leaving for our FOURTH trip down to Lexington, KY.  I am really hoping it is going to be as worthwhile as the last three journeys.  I would like to hope that this will be the last trip we have to make to Lexington, but I honestly don't know if that is realistic.

At the end of last week, Angelo my physio took some measurements while he was doing my passive range of motion exercises and it wasn't good news.  My measurements have actually got WORSE since June.  My shoulder capsule is tighter than it was before.  He did tell me that it's not by a huge amount, but it shouldn't be going backwards at all.

I was very upset.  I don't know what I can do to make a difference.  They gave me loads of exercises to do and I did them religiously and then they told me I was doing too much, my muscles all needed time to rest and recover.  So I dialled it down.  I followed the new exercises since June very carefully.  I did exactly as I was told. I did not do too much.  I did start to feel a bit better, but I don't feel that I can do LOTS more on a functional level.  I feel so frustrated that the advice I keep getting is that I need to rest and heal.  I am now 24 weeks post-surgery.  I thought that at this point - surely! - I would be concentrating on rebuilding strength and flexibility; not on still learning how to move my shoulder certain ways..... or even worse, NOT being able to move my shoulder certain ways.

My parents say they think I am holding myself funny, or that I'm not trying to use my right arm and I feel so upset to hear that is what they see.  It's not that I don't try to use my right arm - I really do try - it's just that it doesn't really work properly.  I simply CAN'T make it do certain things, I don't know how to explain it because I've never experienced anything like it before but when people say that I "can't tolerate that movement" or that I "need to relax the muscles" or that I need to "try drinking with that hand" and they are just pointing out what they SEE, what they don't see is how many times I try to do the movements in front of a mirror, in pain, just to see if I can MAKE myself move that way.  I CAN'T.  I hate the thought that people think I'm not TRYING to move because I try all the time.  But I just can't make my scapula move.  

There is a possibility it is quite literally stuck down by scar tissue.  I don't know how this can be fixed.  I have had some incidents that hurt like hell, usually end up with me sweating, crying, feeling nauseated and seeing sparkly lights and black spots; I have come to recognise these as scar tissue breaking up.  But they don't seem to give me any freer movement, as you'd think they might.

One doctor last year suggested I might need to be put under anaesthetic and have my shoulder moved quite violently to break up the scar tissue - if that is actually what is sticking it.  I am actually at the stage that this option sounds attractive. As long as they gave me adequate pain relief for afterwards.  The longer the pain persists at a high level, the less I feel I can tolerate it.

I have had quite a lot of scar tissue breaking up in the last few weeks - and in fact since my surgery.  I've been told that it's happening more than they'd expect.

I know my pain is less than it was immediately after my surgery when it was just unbearable all the time, but it is still pain that I'd rate about an 8 or 9 out of 10 when it is at its worst. Mostly, it's probably about a 6 although it rarely goes below that.  I still need very strong painkillers every day (and muscle relaxants, and anti-nauseas, and sleeping tablets).

This trip I see the surgeon on the Monday morning and then the shoulder therapists are going to work with me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, so we are hoping that spending that bit longer with them will be productive and will help me move on from here.

It's been really hard these past few weeks as we've had friends and family visiting with us from home and I've been too sore and too exhausted to do all the things I'd have liked to do with them.  It is still hard for my posture muscles to support me when I'm sitting, so sitting with my arm and head unsupported for any length of time causes my neck to spasm and me to get very dizzy and sore.  They told me these muscles are basically "starting from scratch" and they have no endurance and it will just be time they need.  There is nothing I can do that is helpful.  I do have little exercises, but I'm not allowed to do lots of them as the muscles very quickly tire out, and the same symptoms appear when the muscles are tired.

So I am feeling very flat right now and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get some answers on this visit.  I am really struggling to cope with the pain and complete lack of function in my right shoulder and right arm.  Hopefully they can offer me something NEW that will give lots of improvement. 

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results."
          ~ Albert Einstein

10 weeks since surgery

This week marks 10 weeks since my surgery and so there was a lot of reflecting going on at physio today.  It's easy to feel frustrated through this process because I am not seeing obvious progress from one day to the next. I am still in pain, my movement is still very restricted and I am still struggling with my attempts to do "normal" everyday things.

Although I know I am making some progress, when I compare today to yesterday, to the day before that (and so on) there doesn't seem to be much going on.  My accomplishments seem to be managing one exercise without feeling faint; or shrugging my shoulder an extra 1/2 cm!! 

Considering the bigger picture is a lot more motivational. So that's what we did today. I have now been getting physio for 6 weeks and I have made good progress in this time:

Week 1: I still went to physio with my sling. Taking it off terrified me because it felt like my arm might fall off! Letting my arm drop down at my side made my hand turn purple and swell up almost instantly.  Walking with the sling off made me dizzy, things started to go black and I couldn't see anything behind me. I had virtually no movement, and absolutely no strength.

Week 2: I was no longer wearing the sling for support (because I was not allowed to)... although I was kind of missing it at this point! I had little movements - shoulder shrugs and scapular retractions which I struggled with. Most of the movement was passive movement where Angelo very very carefully moved my arm, still keeping it as close to my body as possible.... just to make sure the newly attached muscles weren't ripped off!

Week 3: Every session I start off with some heat, gentle passive movement and my exercise series then end with icing.  Even although my exercises are pretty pathetic and teeny tiny movements, they are really hard work for me and even a 1cm improvement in any movement is a real achievement. In the couple of hours I am usually at physio I do feel like I work really hard, but the movements I'm doing here are still very small and very controlled. After each session, I want to curl up and go to sleep!

Week 4: This week marked a new phase in the rehab protocol that came from Kentucky.  It apparently allows Angelo to move on to torture me! At this stage, healing should be at a place where movement cannot damage the repair anymore and my instructions are less restrictive than before. This means I have new exercises, new movements.... and gritted teeth. This week I was introduced to NMES - neuromuscular electrical stimulation - which is going to teach my brain how to use my muscles again by electrically contracting said muscles.  After my first experience, I am calling it my taser machine. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ouch.

Week 5: As each week goes by, I feel as if I am mastering my exercises.  They no longer make me feel sick and things have (for the most part) stopped going black.... just a little sparkly still.  However, just when I think I might be getting into a routine, I get new, harder exercises and the nausea returns!

Week 6: I do have a routine now.  First, get heat into my shoulder area for 12 minutes. Then Angelo comes and tortures me for a while - working on my range of motion and passive movement.  Today he said it was good - he managed to get my arm at 90 degrees to my body, a good improvement in my ROM. Then I do my exercises - use a wooden stick to pull my right arm above my body as I lie on my back and then out to the side. This hurts, but it is getting a little bit easier each time.  Next, I run through my sequence of small movements - shoulder retractions, shrugs, sternal lifts, bicep curls; swing my arms, well swing my left arm, attempt to swing my right... but it is moving. Roll a ball about a table 60 times, wipe a towel against the wall 40 times; isometric exercises - pillow squeezes in various forms; towel slides on a table; overhead pulleys (much to be improved here still - today I had some pretty nasty pops that we think were scar tissue breaking up. A good thing, apparently, but bloody sore.).  Then I get down on my hands and knees, put my FULL WEIGHT through my arms on a wobble board and rock from side to side 20 times. Then comes the favourite - my taser machine, or neuromuscular electrical stimulation to give it its proper name. I HATE this! I swear it feels like being tasered... or exactly what I imagine being tasered might feel like. It re-teaches my brain how certain muscles work by electrically contracting them. That bit's self torture as I have to press the buttons myself.  After that, I am tortured by Angelo again, then I get STEM treatment as I ice down. (Then I go home and ice all night.... love it being numb!)

Looking over those past 6 weeks does reassure me.  Yes things are still very sore, and very hard but in just six weeks I have made a good bit of progress at physio. Everything is far more complicated because my muscles were detached since last June and I'm not just working to get movement back because of the surgery and subsequent immobilization - which would be hard enough - but because of the initial injury and the wasted months that followed. I have goals and aims I hope I can achieve over the next few weeks - before I go back to Kentucky in June.  In addition to physio, I do my exercises three times a day at home too.  And I have been trying to play the piano to help with movement, strength, and also rebuilding the neuromuscular connections.

Sometimes it seems like my surgery was ages ago and I feel that I should have made more progress, but when we break it down like this, I am able to get a bit of perspective on it and realise I am making progress.  However, they told me 5-8 months for full recovery, so I still have a lot of work to do.

Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast.
              ~ William Shakespeare

Surgery tomorrow....

Today I had my appointment with the surgeon.  Up until now he has consulted with my other doctors but I have not actually spoken to him.  The appointment was really good.  He took time to go over everything with me, confirm the diagnosis, explain the surgery, the injury and other outcomes he has had.  I think I feel about as good as I can feel going into surgery tomorrow.


Dr K knew exactly where my pain was, how to describe it, what movements hurt it and what I can/ can't do with it - it was such a breath of fresh air to have a doctor who totally knows what's going on (unfortunately I've had that same feeling before!).  He thinks my rhomboids and lower trapezius muscles need to be reattached.  This is done by drilling pairs of holes in the scapula and sewing the muscles back to the bone through the holes.  I then have to be immobilized for a month to allow it to heal.


He said patients with this problem can be some of the most disabled he sees.  He said the pain levels just get overwhelming and the lack of function is difficult to handle.  He made a comment about being tough and I said I used to think I was tough before I had this but he said I am tough, because it has been tough to get to here.  That really made me feel so much better - I had a doctor in Edinburgh tell me that I was "overly focussed" on the pain and that I should just "learn to live with it" - terrible advice from a doctor.  Today I was told I wan't the first person with that kind of story... Today I was tough!


 Is it really acceptable that there are doctors out there that we have to trust with our lives, and they continue to behave in such a manner? Just now I am lucky enough to see a fantastic doctor and I am quite happy about putting my life in his hands in his OR tomorrow; but I find it sad that there are other doctors who do not uphold the same care, compassion, and professional standards....


It seems you just have to get lucky........ and do we really want excellent healthcare treatment by good dotors to boil down to luck?


As for me right now, the pain in the area of the detachment should improve very quickly but it is difficult to know how the other pain will be affected right now.  A lot of my pain comes from the fact my scapula is not in the right place - the muscles are not holding it in place so other muscles are having to work harder and being pulled tighter and they are shortening through my inability to use them.  In addition it is possible there is another tear in another muscle (latissimus dorsi) which will hopefully heal when it is not being pulled into the "wrong" place.


So there is still a lot that will become apparent tomorrow and then over time as things heal but surgery is the first step on the road to recovery and I am actually feeling excited that it is going to be repaired.  I may feel more nervous than excited tomorrow when I wake up though. And that might not be helped by no food or water ... or PAINKILLERS! for 10 and a half hours, or longer. Ugh!


Quote of the day... one of my favourites and very apt!

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

                ~ Friedrich Nietzsche