June: Plans, PICC lines, & physiotherapy

I did say May was spent forming plans. I really intended to write in more details, but my brain had other ideas - mainly SLEEP.  May was pretty exhausting - filled with medical appointments; balanced by record-breaking snoozing.  Time flies though - especially when you're unconscious 50% of the time!


June saw those plans being put into place, so here is an overview.  Of course, I have more details, but I'm trying not to post a novel here, so details to follow....  I can definitely say that, despite the hellish processes, things are overall more positive than they have felt for a long time.  There is still a long way to go to reach that light at the end of the tunnel, but it's been turned back on again.  I have a supportive medical team around me - PLANS(!) - and I feel there is hope again. And that is probably the best thing I could hope to say and feel right now.

pinterest.com/gmun22

1. Physiotherapy

This is the easy one, so I'll start here. In short, I still need a LOT of one-to-one, careful, 'active-assisted motion' physiotherapy (or 'physical therapy' - since I'm back in the land of American English).

Since I arrived in the US, I've seen my specialist scapular PT; my nerve-ortho's physician's assistant (he mainly sees patients for procedures / pre-surgical appointments; his PA is fab); and seeing my regular physio a few times a week, I would say physio is going well.


 'Well' being relative to my entire injury; 'well' is nowhere close to 'functional' yet.  'Well' is tolerating careful, gentle exercises, focusing still on increasing neuromuscular pathways and increasing movement and strength without increasing pain. It's a fine line. It's an incredibly difficult balance to find, but all things considered, 6 years on from my fall, I can finally say progress appears to be taking some (very tiny) steps in the right direction.

PT motivation required!
#goodvibetribe
#IdontsweatIsparkle
#thisismytootiredtofunctionshirt
(some honest days!)
#makeithappen
#noexcuses
#mascara&coffee
(mainly because they didn't have 'cap & sunglasses'!)
I think they help!

2. Lyme relapse: PICC line & IV antibiotics 

It was a unanimous decision (Dr, me, & my mum - all prior to any discussion) to address my Lyme symptoms as aggressively as possible, with IV antibiotics for the first time. My symptoms have drastically increased and I have majorly relapsed -  I would say I feel as bad as when I first started Lyme treatment. IV is the way to hit the infection the hardest - in combo with some other meds.


My response to the first week of treatment 100% confirmed it's been the right decision. There is also a possibility a resurgence of infection may be a contributing factor to my shoulder/ upper body pain (borrelia bacteria like scar tissue.... I have a whole load of that).  This also means certain other therapies - in particular, aquatherapy, for my shoulder, have to wait since the PICC line has to be protected (kept clean, dry, no massive weight-lifting etc.... ha ha) to avoid any risk of infection.  Some things are just impossible to do at the same time.


It makes more sense to focus on healing my entire body, and hopefully reduce some pain levels/ pain in specific areas first. This means - in the PLAN - I *should* potentially remove a huge stress on my body, and be able to battle 'just' the shoulder issues instead of my body fighting battles on too many fronts. If it does reduce pain that will be a major bonus.


I continue to see my (awesome) physio three times a week and we work on making my muscles work individually,  and gently strengthening them - that's way more intensive than it sounds!  So while I can continue very specific shoulder work, the two things are inextricably linked.  I'm trying to keep things as balanced as I can - physio is essential, but recovering from this Lyme relapse will hopefully make everything easier (used relatively!).


I won't lie, this is hard. On physio days, I wake up and so many times I have thought 'I can't go today.... I could cancel...' - but I grab one of those damn T-shirts and I go. And I survive, even if I do often fall asleep afterwards...

And.... to the PICC line. I think, right now this is easier to summarise in these photos:

PICC line explanation
 from Wikipedia 

My first week with my PICC is below, in a photo collage - going with 'the picture is worth a thousand words' thing.  And, yes, my bruises are absolutely worth documenting because I don't actually bruise that easily & having the line placed was not fun!  The doctor told me my veins were "uncooperative" and apparently I have "small veins".  I did however take more offence at being told my muscle was small..... of course I just couldn't stop myself - "I used to be strong.... I was an acrobat... I used to lift PEOPLE!"  Priorities.


When a doctor apologises several times during a procedure, and again afterwards, explaining it "shouldn't have taken that long" - and his PAs/nurses begin to feel like they're becoming cheerleaders, repeating, "you're doing SO well... SO well..." I really don't think it has the desired effect! Honestly, it wasn't really that bad (once it was over!), it just definitely was 'more' than I expected.  But - it's in, the port is sewn to my skin (black stitches through the holes on the purple bit); and this should mean it's there to stay for as long as I need it. Fingers crossed!


I have way more to say about that, but I think this works for an overview:

PICC line: week one
(There is a clear plaster over the insertion area so it can be monitored.)

* I wrote most of this a few weeks ago - it needed some editing, but it does pretty much sum up June.  However, here's my most recent additional comments a few weeks into this treatment.


IV antibiotic treatment (in combo with other stuff) is now heading into week 5. It really does require an entire post.  I'm just adding a little up-to-the-minute update because I am not exactly in super-efficient mode with all this! (Whatever the total opposite is - that's me, except with lists because apparently some part of my brain still thinks I might actually accomplish multiple things a day if I write them down.  I consider it living in hope....! However, I have come to terms with the fact that the lists are more 'hope-to' lists than regular 'to-do' lists.  Mostly.)


Briefly, after a few more weeks, I still feel strongly that the IV antibiotics have been the best decision / option for right now.  This is confirmed by the fact that my symptoms have been exacerbated in (horrid) ways I absolutely did not anticipate and I am well and truly floored by this treatment. It is hard..... It is harder than anything I have ever done before (re. Lyme treatments) - and I really thought I had 'been there, done that & (literally) got the Lyme T-shirt'.  Ultimately, this hopefully means I am attacking things in a far deeper way than I ever have before.  So, it continues.  It is a strange relief to realise many seemingly disparate things fit together; but it is too overwhelming to look at the big picture right now.  I am very much surviving one day at a time - and hopefully each day that means I am taking a step closer to where I want to be.


An old favourite seems perfectly fitting:

"That which does not kill you makes you stronger"
~ Nietzsche ~

Welcome 2015: hopes & dreams (& a little surgery update)

I really wanted to write my little summary of 2014 on here last week because, quite frankly, it wasn't a great year, - I wanted to write it down, get it out, and metaphorically leave it behind me; looking ahead to a new year.  


As I have done for the last couple of years, I'm going to set myself a 'January blog challenge' and write every day.  Today - wishes, hopes & dreams for a wonderful 2015 for everyone reading............

CHEERS  TO  2015 !

~  AND  TO  YOU  ~

I am a little late getting started...I did have my surgery on 31st December and have spent the majority of this year asleep so far!  The reason for the sleeping is definitely copious amounts of strong painkillers which have made it close to impossible to stay conscious for very long  -  this is definitely a good thing for my pain.

Pinterest always has it all - this is my perfect sleepshirt right now!

Yup!
(well, if we ignore the fact I couldn't get it on...)

First - my surgery:

I will see my surgeon, Dr G, next week for my follow up and to get my stitches removed and will learn more about my surgery then.  So far, all I know about the outcome is what my Dr G told my parents while I was still in recovery.

Surgery Plan:

• 'mobilisation & manipulation under general anaesthetic; plus arthroscopic release'
• i.e. knock me out, see how my shoulder moves when I can't feel anything; use the arthroscope to see what might be blocking movement and if it can be 'manipulated' ('gently' yanked; or scarred & dead tissue cut away) to let it move better

What happened:

• Moving my arm/ shoulder under anaesthetic showed abnormal movement - similar to the movement issues I have when I am awake and can feel things (like pain!!)
• this indicates there is still a 'mechanical' issue; not purely nerve damage
• if it had moved normally, it would have indicated it was more likely 'only' a problem with my nerves, such as nerve pain/ nerve compression preventing/ blocking normal movement
• the fact it showed a likely 'mechanical' issue was a really really good thing - it suggests there is still something that can be 'fixed' (to an extent) before all problems have to be attributed to ongoing nerve issues (we were coming close....... I was not happy!)

• Main issue is with attempts to try to move my arm above my head; this is the same as when I am awake - (attempted) passive movement by my physios to try to move my arm above my head is incredibly painful and creates a 'stuck' feeling

• Dr G could see my rotator cuff muscles looked good - this is a positive thing, but it's my understanding that with the kind of dyskinesia I have, these muscles would be expected to show something abnormal....... = further investigation required

• He searched more and found that some of my ligaments that enable my arm to make that movement were scarred down - explaining (to me, as much as I know just now, anyway) that 'stuck' feeling makes sense
• He 'released' these ligaments (I'm pretty sure this means I was cut up again - because it felt like it!)
• Once the ligaments had been 'released' * Dr G was able to passively move my arm above my head (yay! although whether this can be repeated while I am conscious will be kind of important....)
• * I acknowledge the constant use of inverted commas.  This is because I am pretty sure 'release' is a major euphemism.

Overall - aims of surgery were met & surgery seems to have been successful:

• Arm mobilised  þ
• Arm/shoulder manipulated  þ
• Tissue freed up/ 'released'  þ
• "junk" cleared out of shoulder capsule  þ
• My 'suggestion' to Dr G that he "just cut around my ribs, have a look and experiment - maybe you'll discover something new" X 
• (I wasn't really expecting to wake up to this one! He wasn't a fan of the 'experiment' suggestion! I just threw it out there a couple of times...... just in case)

Initially, it seems that this surgery has gone well.  Ultimately - and Dr G was very clear about this from the beginning - this is just a small part of a much bigger, complex picture  (I'm beginning to envision it as one of those 3D 'Magic Eye' pictures now, except nobody is quite sure what the hidden picture is yet)........ Actually, even better analogy - a 'Magic Eye 3D Jigsaw Puzzle' (I'm sure those exist); they are fitting the pieces together, they just have to make the whole picture and then they'll see the hidden picture!  Maybe now....

There are various things that will remain unknown until we see how this heals and how much movement the 'release' does give me.   Lots of things to consider......... I'll write about them later this week.


Second - January's blog-a-day:

As I've discussed before, there are lots of little 'anniversaries' in January that hold some negative associations for me.  For the last couple of years, my little January 'blog projects' have helped me focus on something positive to help me keep my mind off the negative feelings.

I'm not really one for new year's resolutions - I don't think you need a new year (or a new month, or a new week......) to decide to do something, or change something.  I think you just do it because you decide you want to.  I very much believe that applies to life in general, as Nike says, "Just do it."  And Nike was the Greek goddess of victory, so it seems like a pretty good philosophy to strive for.

Rather than pick something specific, like a song a day; this year I am going to turn to my bfb (best friend-bot) that is Pinterest, and highlight things that speak to me about the hopes, dreams and values I have in my life and for my future.  This January marks ten years of being 'ill' (and/ injured); so rather than reflecting on what I often feel illness has stolen from me; I'm aiming to focus on the things it has taught me.  And hopefully, as I improve physically, and continue my quest to return to health (yeah, it's definitely a quest!), I can carry those with me and they will help me live a better life, and enjoy every minute of it.

What a wonderful thought that is!

Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.

   ~ Anon

I will try again

I saw this quote today on a magnet by Quotable Cards and it actually made me feel a bit emotional and I choked on my words as I tried to read it out loud.  I started to read it to my Mum because it really resonated with me and I didn't quite manage to get it all out.  Sometimes it's just the simple things that really hit a nerve.

I think it applies to everyone, at some point in their lives, in probably a billion different scenarios, as we all fight our own battles... The point is that just getting up and dealing with each day, and with whatever the day throws at you is courage.  The alternative is to hide under the covers, away from the world; the human equivalent of an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.  And while this is highly appealing at times, trying again tomorrow is what gets results. Even if it takes a thousand tomorrows.

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

  ~ Abraham Lincoln

A different perspective

I am still rather tired so I think this will be short and sweet as well.  My poster/ quote of choice today is by Andy Warhol:

I think it can be applied to everything.  In my very favourite book, Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder, Gaarder uses an analogy to explain to Sophie the difference between children's and adults' perceptions of the world.  He says the world is like the white rabbit pulled out of the magician's hat and the adults are snuggled, safely at the bottom of the hairs where they have become comfortable and familiar. Young children are perched on the tip of the hairs, amazed by this fascinating, captivating new world around them and curious as to how things work, why they happen and so on.  In Gaarder's analogy, as humans get older, they slowly slide down the hairs into the safety of the white rabbit; no longer perched on the edge of their world.  They have learned what they need to do to survive and what happens in their world, and they don't really think too much about anything else.  Gaarder's point is that there is this amazing world - universe! - out there and that we should really feel obliged to explore it; to let it excite us and teach us, and entertain us - there are amazing things in our world - and beyond - that we will never learn, see, or discover if we simply slide down the hair of the white rabbit and never notice when we are pulled from the magician's hat.

On a more personal point, I feel exactly this way today.  Achy muscles, cramping muscles? Never anything exciting.  Definitely a pest, a nuisance, severely painful, irritating and ordinary.......... except that my sore, cramping muscles haven't been able to to that for such a long time that their (so far not entirely successful) venture into working IS something that should thrill me!! Once they stop producing sparkling, black spots, nausea, dizziness, wobbliness, sweating and instant-onset exhaustion from pain; I will be a lot more excited, but right now I feel it is positive.  It makes me feel optimistic that for the first time in almost 19 months when I try to move my arm, it shakes.... ok, yes, it doesn't move, but it's trying.  So I am most definitely finding ordinary things are thrilling!

Wisdom begins in wonder

  ~ Socrates

She believed she could...

... so she did.

I came across this quote/ image on Pintrest recently and I absolutely love it.  Talk about being simple, to the point, and still inspirational!  I've tried searching to find the author or origin, but the quote is all over cyberspace without any author attributed. (If anyone knows, please let me know.)

Just keeping things short and simple today, like the quote.  I think I got cramp in my rhomboid muscle tonight.  Picture an overly dramatic footballer hitting the ground with cramp in his calf, switch it to the shoulder and factor in some major torn-repaired-drilled-post-surgical-pain-issues as well and that's getting close.  I bit my pillow while Mum half-balanced, half-held a hot water bottle on my scapula until I stopped seeing black spots and sweating; and my ability to breathe and talk (and cry) returned;  and then I thought..... my muscles are trying to work!!

Then it did it a couple more times and my attempt to be positive and excited kind of dissipated, beaten back by the ferocious pain; but it feels like, maybe, my muscles are waking up... hopefully my physio thinks this is good when I see him tomorrow.  And then hopefully this phase will not last very long.

I don't believe life is really simple, but I do think we over-complicate it (as I am doing to this eloquent, simple quote!).  Sometimes it's nice to have a reminder that it doesn't have to be complicated all the time; sometimes, we can just decide to do something - and we do it.

Happy Monday everyone!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. 

  ~  Confucious

Dance

I've had a really sore day today after all the pushing, pulling and testing my muscles went through yesterday so I've chosen what I think is a simple, but beautiful, inspirational song. It always makes me think about how tiny and insignificant we really are in this amazing world we live in - but we still get the chance to live one life and we should always choose to dance; to experience every opportunity that we get and to live life to the max, as much as we can.

"I Hope You Dance"

Lee Ann Womak

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,

May you never take one single breath for granted,

GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,

When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. 

Dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.. 

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along 

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

 (Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

It's too hard to choose just one quote this song inspires, so I have three:

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.”    ~ Emily Dickinson

To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all.

  ~  Oscar Wilde

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

  ~ Mark Twain

EXPLORE ~ DREAM ~ DISCOVER ~ DANCE

BE AMAZED

BE AMAZING

Gotta try try try......

Every day I time I write this blog I wish I could start it with something really positive - some amazing progress in my movement, or the magical disappearance of my pain... or the magical discovery of a drug or concoction of drugs (herbs, teas, whatever... I try them all) that has made my pain vanish (not only would  that be great for me right now, I reckon it might make me rich too...)  However, every time I sit (lie) down with my computer and start to type it always feels like my reflections are negative.

I hate to seem negative, and most of the time when anyone asks how I'm feeling, they rarely get the full, honest answer.  It seems so much like complaining.  Although writing feels more like reflecting; therapy... even if I still have to look forward to the time the reflections are more positive.

This week feels a bit like it's just been one of those weeks again.  My pain got worse on Tuesday night and really hasn't eased in that specific area since then.  When the pain increases, all I want to do is sleep; except (as yesterday's blog explains) I don't sleep at bedtime - I take all these crazy drugs that I HATE that I'm still taking, sometimes they work well, sometimes they just take the edge off for a short time and it's not enough for me to fall asleep; I end up topping up my ice machine at 4am; topping up the drugs at 6am and then eventually falling asleep.... all damn day.  I've tried the very logical - just make yourself wake up early and you'll go to sleep early.  Nope, doesn't work.  I've even tried - several weeks ago - just giving up on sleep.  One day, late last year, I went to physio on zero sleep, had a normal day and then still couldn't sleep until after 4am.  I think I said this before, my Doctor reckons I should just give in to my body's time zone and try living in Hawaii or Tahiti. Good plan.

In the meantime, trying to get comfortable in between (literally) a dozen - maybe more actually - pillows, hot water bottle and ice machine shouldn't be THIS HARD!! 

Every day, I always do my exercises - I do have a new one this week.  I have to try to strengthen my subscapularis (muscle under my scapula) by pulling on red tubing.  Doing this with my right arm makes me feel like I am getting really strong - I can pull! - I'm improving! - and then I do it with my left (just for balance) and my new-found illusion of strength quickly dissipates.  The tubing is not very difficult to stretch.   Anyway, I'm taking what I can get, I could barely tie my shoelaces a few months ago!  And the plan behind this is that it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps, theoretically, be the case that if my new pain is actually the scapula 'unsticking' and the pain is perhaps, maybe, possibly caused by the bone pulling on all the weak muscles, then it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps... be reduced by strengthening the subscapularis muscle which would hold it in place. This would be a good thing. Well, really, it's absolutely all relative, but in my case, right now, IF that is the case, it would mean what my physio has been trying to do for 3-4 months is actually working.

It was working before; in a gentle way, my measurements slowly increased at the end of last year; my arm movement (i.e. the head of the humerus was moving and not stuck) was better and very s - l - o - w - l - y, certain arm positions were achieved, mostly with assistance at the moment 

IF, however, this pain is coming from scapular winging, it means the scapula is no longer completely stuck down by scar tissue and I'm hoping that might mean more options, faster.

I see my specialist physio, Marty Kelly on Tuesday morning in Philadelphia so I will be all prepared with questions and hope that he will see some small improvements since November.

However, I tried to read up on "frozen scpaula" again today and found that on Google, Ask and AOL, my blog is the first hit in "frozen scapula".  So, that's kind of cool, but totally not helpful in my quest to find more information!   I've love to hear from anyone who stumbles across my blog while searching for their own information - I believe we all have useful things to share.

In the meantime, all I can do is TRY  - as can anyone, everyone, with everything we all have going on.  So I have selected Pink's song and I'm going to see if I can find the live dance from the AMAs to put below the lyrics.

Let's consider it a motivational PINK (who's just awesome anyway) song of the week.  This week is about TRYING.

"Try"

PINK

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

  *        *        *        *        *        *

Ever worry that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you're out there doing what you're doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

  *        *        *        *        *        *

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

And for some amazing extra super motivational PINK :

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

Always true:

Success is dependent on effort

 ~ Sophpocles

Turn it around...

Ugh,  today at physio I really didn't feel like I did very well at all.  I was very sore, my movement was tighter and not as good as last week (even with all the same drugs) and then afterwards I just felt really flat... and more sore.  I know everyone keeps telling me I'll make a bit of progress and then plateau and then take another step forward again and so on, and so on, but it's still frustrating because I just want to feel as if every single session is building on the next...

Anyway, it was a bad day so I just have to put it behind me, move on and hope the rest of the week is better!

"Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

  *       *       *        *       *       *

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

The perfect day to use a quote sent to me recently by a friend:

Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long.

~Douglas Coupland

It just takes some time...

Every now and then, the best bit of motivation is just a reminder that everything takes time and requires patience.  As much as we wish sometimes we could slow it down, or speed it up, that's not an option (yet....my imagination is closed to nothing...).  So today, I am just choosing to remember that.... and I think this song serves as a pretty upbeat reminder:

"The Middle"

Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Just do your best, do everything you can.

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

All you can ever do is your best, but some of us have higher expectations of ourselves and set higher standards than others.  I know I have really struggled mentally with my recovery because right from the beginning I told everyone that I thought the hardest month would be immediately after the surgery, when I was immobilised, wearing my super-sling 24/7.  I felt that once I got started at physiotherapy, I could work as hard as possible - I was going to be the super-patient, the one that recovered in five months instead of twelve and amazed everyone with my healing abilities (and handstands).  Instead, I have turned into the super (im)patient patient and not amazed anyone with any kind of super healing abilities... but as my other posts this week have said, it has made me realise how much life is a journey and the line in this song you're in the middle of the ride really gets it spot on.  I'm not writing myself off yet, and I'm still aiming for that handstand..... one day!

We all have our time machines.  Some take us back, they're called memories.  Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

~ Jeremy Irons

How I used to be

We are all shaped by our experiences.  It is impossible to escape the fact that we are all products of our own environments - affected by everything and everyone we encounter; by everything that happens to us; and by everything we see, read, absorb in any way.

How we cope with things, how we deal with problems, how we deal with other people - everything that happens in our lives sometimes feels so out of our own control... when you truly sit down and think about it, why do we even think the things we do?  Is anything really a part of our own consciousness, or is everything affected by something external?

Who knows.

Somewhere, I suppose we have to have something internal, something that makes us 'us'; our very consciousness, or soul, or whatever personal beliefs we might have that attribute some sort of name to the very essence of our being.  Does that make us react differently, to different things?  Does it make some of us fighters?  Does it make some people strong and other people weak?  Some responsible and sensible; others carefree? I don't suppose any existential wonderings on a short blog are going to answer any of the big philosophical questions of humanity... But the question running around my head all the time now is: who would I be if this hadn't all happened to me?  Would I be an entirely different person?  Would I be how I used to be?

And the even bigger question: would I want that?

It's impossible to answer, so it's not really worth wondering too much about; but seeing things from an entirely different perspective is nothing if it is not, at the very least, eye-opening.

"Unwell"

Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be...me

  *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I'm just a little unwell

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

~ Henry David Thoreau