Life is a brick wall...

My first Feldenkrais appointment was interesting, but I don't really have much to say about it yet.  The practitioner was really lovely and I got a great vibe from her; I am optimistic it could be helpful, and so is she; but it takes a couple of days to really feel how my body will react to the treatment.  I also have some online lessons to listen to for visualisation and then I will see how I feel about moving forward with it.  I did have quite a strong response to today's session - which seemed very gentle at the time, and was not painful at all - but an hour later I was in my bed with a raging headache and fell asleep for a while this afternoon (very unusual for me to sleep during the day). I know that's not unusual with some therapies and have experienced similar with reflexology but then felt much better the following day, so I drank lots of cleansing herbal teas and water and I am keeping an open mind - and planning to do some reading on it and try the online sessions over the weekend and see how things unfold.

But it's the weekend, yay! I don't usually feel that way because it's not really any different from any other day for me; but I feel like this has been a tough week, so I am pleased to have survived it!  This quote/ poster/ analogy I found on Pintrest (surprise surprise) seems to sum up my week... my year.... probably life for everyone:

 (I'm not entirely sure the best way to reference every quote from Pintrest - this one took me to a 'nothing found' Tumblr page; but it's not my quote so whoever came up with it gets all the credit... I just don't know who you are, sorry!)

To be honest, it'd be pretty helpful to have a shovel, or a ladder; or perhaps a wrecking ball some days; and then there's always eye make-up remover, tissues, moisturiser... and a new day.... but it's still a great analogy.

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

  ~ Henry David Thoreau

Today

Well, I survived January! Yay!  I didn't make any new year's resolutions because I don't really believe in them.  I don't believe in trying to do something because it's the beginning of a new year, or a new month, or beginning a diet (or whatever) at the beginning of a new week because tomorrow is always a new day and new months, or news years are really just arbitrary dates.  If you 'break' your diet on a Wednesday (it's an easy example), who says you have to give up for the rest of the week?  Just strengthen you resolve and start again tomorrow.

I really feel that looking at things from that kind of perspective is what helps me cope with everything just now - and there is so much advice like that (one step at a time; one day at a time; little by little etc.) so when I have a bad day, or an extra-painful day, or I feel disappointed that my movement hasn't been good one day; I always tell myself it has just been one day and tomorrow is a new today.  It might sound a bit weird, but I think it helps.  And I think there are so many situations in life that are made easier by focusing on the present; not worrying too much about things we can't control.

So, to end January, and welcome the second month of 2013, and another new day:  

"Today My Life Begins"

Bruno Mars

I've been working hard so long

Seems like pain has been my only friend

My fragile heart's been done so wrong

I wondered if I'd ever heal again

Oh just like all the seasons never stay the same

All around me I can feel a change (oh)

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

Leave the past behind me, today my life begins

A whole new world is waiting its mine for the taking

I know I can make it today my life begins

Yesterday has come and gone

And I've learn how to leave it where it is

And I see that I was wrong

For ever doubting I could win

 (Chorus)

Life's too short to have regrets

So I'm learning now to leave it in the past and try to forget

Only have one life to live

So you better make the best of it

  (Chorus)

  (Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

And the perfect sentiment to finish January with my all-time favourite quote:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

~ Albert Einstein And now to think of a February challenge..

Dance

I've had a really sore day today after all the pushing, pulling and testing my muscles went through yesterday so I've chosen what I think is a simple, but beautiful, inspirational song. It always makes me think about how tiny and insignificant we really are in this amazing world we live in - but we still get the chance to live one life and we should always choose to dance; to experience every opportunity that we get and to live life to the max, as much as we can.

"I Hope You Dance"

Lee Ann Womak

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,

May you never take one single breath for granted,

GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,

When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. 

Dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.. 

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along 

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

 (Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

It's too hard to choose just one quote this song inspires, so I have three:

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.”    ~ Emily Dickinson

To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all.

  ~  Oscar Wilde

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

  ~ Mark Twain

EXPLORE ~ DREAM ~ DISCOVER ~ DANCE

BE AMAZED

BE AMAZING

Can't Sleep

A more literal choice tonight.... pretty self explanatory!  I have had such awful insomnia this week due to some pain that we think might be the lateral edge of my scapula coming 'unstuck' at the bottom.  This would really be a good thing because that has been the point of all my drug-enabled-therapy, but it also means that one tiny fraction is coming unstuck and the rest seems stuck still, and the muscles have no strength in them, so it feels like one edge of my scapula is trying to constantly pull away from my body but all the other muscles are not strong enough to "hold" so instead it's just pain and pulling and burning and much unpleasantness...

It really has been keeping me awake so I've resorted to all combinations of drugs that seem to work sometimes, then not others.  I am sure I would feel much better if I could just get some sleep - so, thank you Morven, this song is perfect!

"Sleep"

Spend my nights howlin' at the moon,

Never wake before noon,

When the sun, it rises,

Oh, it always rises soon,

'Cause I spend my nights howlin' at the moon, yeah,

I never get sleep, sleep, sleep,

No, I just reach, rea-, reach,

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep,

(I can't get no sleep,

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep,

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep,

Don't know why,)

Spend my night shootin' at the stars, yeah,

Tryin' to change the world with this guitar,

And I know it's a long shot, but it's working out so far,

So I spend my nights shootin' at the stars, hey,

I never get sleep, sleep, sleep,

No, I just reach, rea-, reach,

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep,

I can't get no sleep (never get sleep),

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep (never get sleep),

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep (never get sleep),

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep,

(Count sheep),

I've already tried,

(Drink whiskey),

It makes my throat too dry,

(Smoke weed),

It makes my eyes all red,

(Take a pill, Al),

What, and end up dead?

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep, hey,

I never get sleep, sleep, sleep,

No, I just reach, rea-, reach,

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep, yeah,

Yeah, you see why I never get sleep,

Oh, so you see why I never get sleep.

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

At least I am fortunate enough to be able to sleep all day when sleep at night eludes me.... like today.  Today, (despite setting my alarm clock for 2pm - reset to this at 9am, I'd had a little sleep before that,but not much; got up to get ice packs and reset alarm) I woke up, first thought is still always "ouch"; tried to pull myself into the world of consciousness; noticed it was still light outside (I could see a sliver of light above the curtains), reckoned I'd woken up before my alarm went off (a rarity), reached for my phone and it was..... 5pm. Couldn't believe it. Oh well, at least the nights are getting lighter...

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. 

~ Edgar Allan Poe 

F - R - I - E - N - D - S

Sometimes it just takes is a kind word, an email, a text message, a facebook post, or a skype call to remind us life is all about our friends.

I don't feel I need to say a lot today, but sometimes I am reminded how incredibly lucky I am to have certain people in my life and this post is for them.

And since they are SO awesome, I have picked two songs... although if I had more space I would have picked many more...

A little help from my friends

The Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune,

Would you stand up and walk out on me.

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I get by with a little help from my friends,

I get high with a little help from my friends,

Going to try with a little help from my friends.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I get by with a little help from my friends,

Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,

With a little help from my friends. 

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

And, of course for our generation that grew up with:

This photo (above) is from 1994.  I remember when we'd actually be outside playing in the park - playing hunt or hunt on bikes, or rounders, or football, or bike races... and we always came in at 9pm on Fri night to watch Friends - sometimes as many as 12 of us crammed into my bedroom, watching on my tiny little portable screen TV. I love those memories.

It eventually moved on to this:

And F-R-I-E-N-D-S was compulsive viewing  in our university flat (Ebru, you know that's why you - and your boxsets - lived there, right?!)

We definitely grew up watching friends, so this also seems at appropriate song for MY friends.

I'll be there for you

The Rembrandts

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D O A

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week

Your month or even your year but

I'll be there for you

(When the rain starts to pour)

I'll be there for you

(Like I've been there before)

I'll be there for you

('Cause you're there for me too)

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me

Since you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me

Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with

Someone I'll always laugh with

Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week

Your month, or even your year

I'll be there for you

(When the rain starts to pour)

I'll be there for you

(Like I've been there before)

I'll be there for you

('Cause you're there for me too)

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited) 

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Always true: 

  

 Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there 

~ Confucius (I've also seen this attributed to Roald Dahl)

Turn it around...

Ugh,  today at physio I really didn't feel like I did very well at all.  I was very sore, my movement was tighter and not as good as last week (even with all the same drugs) and then afterwards I just felt really flat... and more sore.  I know everyone keeps telling me I'll make a bit of progress and then plateau and then take another step forward again and so on, and so on, but it's still frustrating because I just want to feel as if every single session is building on the next...

Anyway, it was a bad day so I just have to put it behind me, move on and hope the rest of the week is better!

"Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

  *       *       *        *       *       *

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

The perfect day to use a quote sent to me recently by a friend:

Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long.

~Douglas Coupland

It just takes some time...

Every now and then, the best bit of motivation is just a reminder that everything takes time and requires patience.  As much as we wish sometimes we could slow it down, or speed it up, that's not an option (yet....my imagination is closed to nothing...).  So today, I am just choosing to remember that.... and I think this song serves as a pretty upbeat reminder:

"The Middle"

Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Just do your best, do everything you can.

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

All you can ever do is your best, but some of us have higher expectations of ourselves and set higher standards than others.  I know I have really struggled mentally with my recovery because right from the beginning I told everyone that I thought the hardest month would be immediately after the surgery, when I was immobilised, wearing my super-sling 24/7.  I felt that once I got started at physiotherapy, I could work as hard as possible - I was going to be the super-patient, the one that recovered in five months instead of twelve and amazed everyone with my healing abilities (and handstands).  Instead, I have turned into the super (im)patient patient and not amazed anyone with any kind of super healing abilities... but as my other posts this week have said, it has made me realise how much life is a journey and the line in this song you're in the middle of the ride really gets it spot on.  I'm not writing myself off yet, and I'm still aiming for that handstand..... one day!

We all have our time machines.  Some take us back, they're called memories.  Some take us forward, they're called dreams.

~ Jeremy Irons

How I used to be

We are all shaped by our experiences.  It is impossible to escape the fact that we are all products of our own environments - affected by everything and everyone we encounter; by everything that happens to us; and by everything we see, read, absorb in any way.

How we cope with things, how we deal with problems, how we deal with other people - everything that happens in our lives sometimes feels so out of our own control... when you truly sit down and think about it, why do we even think the things we do?  Is anything really a part of our own consciousness, or is everything affected by something external?

Who knows.

Somewhere, I suppose we have to have something internal, something that makes us 'us'; our very consciousness, or soul, or whatever personal beliefs we might have that attribute some sort of name to the very essence of our being.  Does that make us react differently, to different things?  Does it make some of us fighters?  Does it make some people strong and other people weak?  Some responsible and sensible; others carefree? I don't suppose any existential wonderings on a short blog are going to answer any of the big philosophical questions of humanity... But the question running around my head all the time now is: who would I be if this hadn't all happened to me?  Would I be an entirely different person?  Would I be how I used to be?

And the even bigger question: would I want that?

It's impossible to answer, so it's not really worth wondering too much about; but seeing things from an entirely different perspective is nothing if it is not, at the very least, eye-opening.

"Unwell"

Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be...me

  *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I'm just a little unwell

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

~ Henry David Thoreau

The Journey

Today's thoughts are really taking up from where I left off yesterday, with the idea that life is all about the journey.  Everyone faces challenges in their lives and everyone deals with them differently, but ultimately our experiences, and how we deal with them, are what shape us and make us into the people we are.

Having conversations with people who have been extremely ill - at any age, but especially at a young age - is entirely different from having conversations with 'normal' people.  Normal people think you can make plans, write them in your diary, and they happen.  Normal people make life plans; their experiences give them confidence in their ability to make these plans happen and they have no reason to believe otherwise.  When it is difficult to make plans, because you have no idea if you will be able to keep those plans, it becomes very difficult to trust in the future at all; to believe that plans will happen.  In some ways, I feel like I have achieved some sort of weird zen - living in the moment, just taking each day as it comes and dealing with things that way.  But it's kind of difficult to explain, and it's definitely not viewed as 'normal'!

One of the hardest things about experiencing any kind of life disrupting illness or injury - something that throws your life so far off track that you might as well be racing around on another planet is trying to explain any part of that to your peers.  Friends can be the most empathetic, sympathetic, wonderfully supportive people; but the only people who truly understand it are people who have also experienced it.

In some cases, it is impossible for friends and family to genuinely understand and accept that these things are simply not something that can be controlled.  Friendships dissipate, people drift apart, causing hurt and feelings of rejection.  In other cases friendships become solidified by unbreakable bonds, held together by the glue of true acceptance, trust, loyalty... and a little bit of magic.

I consider myself very lucky to have a few of those very special people in my life.  And while the journey can be painful, the reward is wonderful.

Today I've decided to choose some lyrics from one of my very favourite songs, Drops of Jupiter by Train.  It's really a love song, but I think it has a bigger meaning that relates to a journey of self discovery.  In some ways, I feel like my journey through most of the last decade of my life has been like being catapulted into space, just experiencing an entirely different reality than I could ever have imagined.

Sometimes it feels like I just have a completely different perspective on everything - and I'm ok with that, it's what makes me who I am now.  I suppose, without any choice in the matter, I have, metaphorically, sailed through space... the universe... well, my universe... and realised that sometimes, having a completely different perspective on things just makes life a bit more interesting.

"Drops Of Jupiter"

Train

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey

She acts like summer and walks like rain

Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey

Since the return from her stay on the moon

She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey 

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated 

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there 

Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey 

  *       *       *        *       *       *       *

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back to the Milky Way

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind

Was it everything you wanted to find

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there 

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back toward the Milky Way 

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

This song also reminds me of my first summer working at Camp Robindel, so not only does it have so much meaning for me, but it brings back such great memories and makes me think of many special friends.

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

~ Friedrich Nietzsche