Happiness

Another gem from Pintrest... and I really hope it is true.

Sometimes, when I am being super-optimistic (or perhaps when I'm trying to make myself feel optimistic) , I focus on the benefits.  It strange to think there are benefits that come of out being ill, and/ or dealing with a horrendous injury (or with anything else that completely and totally turns your life upside down) but focusing on these is a positive thing to do - to accept that there are certain things that are different because of my illness.  For example,  I will never take my health for granted; it means I will always appreciate my family, more than I thought imaginable; I have learned that I some very special friends who have stuck by me through the very worst times; it means I have had time to truly think about what I want out of life and how I want to get there; and over and above everything else: I want to be happy. So I have a goal, a challenge, something to work towards.  And if John Lennon understood that when he was five, he truly was a genius!

“Live the life you've dreamed”

  ~ Henry David Thoreau

F - R - I - E - N - D - S

Sometimes it just takes is a kind word, an email, a text message, a facebook post, or a skype call to remind us life is all about our friends.

I don't feel I need to say a lot today, but sometimes I am reminded how incredibly lucky I am to have certain people in my life and this post is for them.

And since they are SO awesome, I have picked two songs... although if I had more space I would have picked many more...

A little help from my friends

The Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune,

Would you stand up and walk out on me.

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I get by with a little help from my friends,

I get high with a little help from my friends,

Going to try with a little help from my friends.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I get by with a little help from my friends,

Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,

With a little help from my friends. 

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

And, of course for our generation that grew up with:

This photo (above) is from 1994.  I remember when we'd actually be outside playing in the park - playing hunt or hunt on bikes, or rounders, or football, or bike races... and we always came in at 9pm on Fri night to watch Friends - sometimes as many as 12 of us crammed into my bedroom, watching on my tiny little portable screen TV. I love those memories.

It eventually moved on to this:

And F-R-I-E-N-D-S was compulsive viewing  in our university flat (Ebru, you know that's why you - and your boxsets - lived there, right?!)

We definitely grew up watching friends, so this also seems at appropriate song for MY friends.

I'll be there for you

The Rembrandts

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D O A

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week

Your month or even your year but

I'll be there for you

(When the rain starts to pour)

I'll be there for you

(Like I've been there before)

I'll be there for you

('Cause you're there for me too)

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me

Since you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me

Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with

Someone I'll always laugh with

Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week

Your month, or even your year

I'll be there for you

(When the rain starts to pour)

I'll be there for you

(Like I've been there before)

I'll be there for you

('Cause you're there for me too)

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited) 

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Always true: 

  

 Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there 

~ Confucius (I've also seen this attributed to Roald Dahl)

Live Life

(Even though it's after midnight, this counts as my 22nd Jan entry - my computer crashed.  Totally valid excuse.)

I was listening to some Coldplay (always awesome) and this month I've really been paying attention to lyrics and really thinking what do they mean to me?

Usually I'm very much a words person (as most people who know me are very well aware of) and quite good at the whole 'why use one word when twenty will suffice?'  So, usually, I do know lyrics in songs and I can often think of entire lines of songs when I can't remember the title.  But really paying attention to them makes them more like poems; I feel as if I am back in an English class, analysing the meaning of a piece of writing; or, very similarly, back in art class, analysing the composition and symbolism of a painting.  It's always something I found really enjoyable and it always seemed to 'fit' with the way my brain worked - I always feel I can see multiple meanings in everything.

Not that I didn't realise this before, but most songs are love songs - songs about relationships, getting hurt, breaking up, making up, being in love, wanting to be in love... however, it's interesting to interpret those in different ways; to think of love as being something bigger than two people - some love songs seem to speak about any relationship in general; others make me feel like love could represent many things. 

So while I was listening to Coldplay's Viva la Vida and really paying attention to the lyrics I was surprised at how I really connected with them.   It's a bit of a strange song (lyrics-wise) and it has a lot of religious references, which don't resonate with me, but when I really really listened (and read) the words I felt that it also perfectly described this feeling of loss that I sometimes feel with regard to my life.  "King" could represent anything - an achievement, an employment position, a relationship... basically he's talking about being king of his world - a ruler, someone invincible, feeling like you have it all... and then it all disappears.

This really speaks to me a lot about how I felt when I got Lyme - of course, I didn't even know it was Lyme at that point - but when I initially got ill.  Everything just changed.  I honestly went from feeling like I had the world at my feet, I could do anything, my future was just laid out in front of me, waiting for me to take it by storm.  And then, suddenly, there was nothing but fear, pain, uncertainty and sheer exhaustion. 

It took me a long time to really deal with that.  After I found out in 2008 that I actually had Lyme and not the non-specific "chronic fatigue syndrome", which is a meaningless diagnosis with no treatment, a strange array of symptoms, a dreadful prognosis and suffers from a severe lack of understanding - from doctors, medical professionals, ordinary people and even patients themselves.  Finding out I had Lyme made things different - for starters, there was actually a treatment plan - telling people about it, explaining it, reading research and solid information was so much easier than dealing with something unknown (and with remaining negative connotations).  Although Lyme awareness has increased since 2008, it's still not well understood (again, by researchers, medical professionals, ordinary people and even "lymies") - it is really an "invisible illness" and is difficult for people to understand, because, as with other invisible illnesses, they are.... invisible.  Often people don't look ill at all... or more accurately, on those days they stay in their bed and don't let anyone else see them; or when there is no other choice - layer on the make-up, hat and sunglasses, drug yourself up to your eyeballs and fuel the day with energy drinks and coffee - knowing that the next day(s) will HAVE to be spent in bed!

But having an answer and a solution really gave me the idea of a future back - everything that had been swept away so suddenly slowly began to build in my mind again.

Then I took a tumble down the stairs.  Really not part of the plan.  And, of course, nothing's ever simple, so obviously the full extent of that took a long time to become apparent.  And, of course, I am a medical anomaly and have, in every sense of the word, wrecked my entire shoulder joint.  But I have, at times, this year, had the same feeling that my future had almost come back; I had potential and possibility again and now I am back to taking things one day at a time; not looking too far ahead and facing the fact that I simply don't have all the answers (again) and that (here's that damn word again) patience is key.

It's difficult to explain to people how hard it is to try to make plans when you can't visualise where you will be (physically, emotionally) the very next week.  I know from other people who have had similar experiences that they say the same.  Ironically, the way to build that up starts by not looking too far ahead either and just trying to make little plans each day until you are confident enough you can believe in the ability to make bigger plans.

So there's a bit of me that feels like I've been here before... and I got through it last time, so I plan to get through it again.

"Viva La Vida"

I used to rule the world

Seas would rise when I gave the word

Now in the morning I sleep alone

Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice

Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes

Listen as the crowd would sing

"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key

Next the walls were closed on me

And I discovered that my castles stand

Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing

Roman Cavalry choirs are singing

Be my mirror, my sword and shield

My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain

Once you go there was never

Never an honest word

And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind

Blew down the doors to let me in

Shattered windows and the sound of drums

People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait

For my head on a silver plate

Just a puppet on a lonely string

Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing

Roman Cavalry choirs are singing

Be my mirror, my sword and shield

My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain

I know Saint Peter won't call my name

Never an honest word

But that was when I ruled the world

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

I also think the song is about the futility of life and how everything can change in an instant and nothing is ever guaranteed, no matter what plans we make.  Sometimes that sounds a bit miserable, but sometimes it gives me great comfort - it always just makes me feel like no-one has control, everything is just hurtling through space and randomness, and we are all just along for the ride.... so we might as well do our best to enjoy it when we can.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

~ Anais Nin

"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it"

I seem to have the flu, so I done even less than usual the last couple of days... basically, I have slept.  Today I did not even see daylight.  So, not a lot to write about really, and my thoughts go to dreams... both literal and metaphorical.

Anyway, today I just kept thinking of this song.  It's always been my favourite Madonna song, just because it conjures up such happy, evocative images and given that this week I am definitely determined to try to uplift myself (and doing so also uplifts everybody else according to yesterday's teabag),I have opted for another cheery song.:

Madonna - Dear Jessie

Ride the rainbow to the other side

Catch a falling star and then take a ride

To the river that sings and the clover that

Brings good luck to you

It's all true

Pink elephants and lemonade

Dear Jessie hear the laughter

Running through the love parade

Candy kisses and a sunny day

Dear Jessie see the roses

Raining on the love parade

If the land of make believe

Is inside your heart it will never leave

There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait

And dancing moons

For you

Close your eyes and you'll be there

Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair

Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old

Where dreams are made

Your love parade

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

I do not believe in miracles over the power of educated and skilled doctors; and I do not believe in magic over science; but there is a part of me that feels my recovery is also about my belief in my own wishes; my determination - through action - to make them come true and I feel this song expresses that.  I do also believe that positive thought is a good thing.  In gymnastics they say, "there's no such word as can't" in the gym - and that's because if you're going to attempt to defy gravity, you have to believe it's going to work.... if you don't believe it, you will come crashing down - and not because of gravity (usually), but because of your lack of belief in your ability to conquer the move.  Sometimes all my shoulder work feels a bit like that - I know science and medicine and skilled doctors and physios are my lifeline; my foundation; but I also know the hard work has to comes from me too and that I have to believe my hard work will get me results.  Therefore my dreams and my wishes are my positive thoughts - me visualising success (just wishing for it to come a little faster!).

It also makes me think of a quote by a favourite childhood author:

  

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

~ Roald Dahl

(Just Wanna be) HAPPY NEW YEAR!

January is a really hard time for me.  This January actually marks 8 years since I first got ill - my life has not been 'normal' since then.  Every year I wish that things will get better this year... but today mum and I pulled the wishbone and both got a small bit and the big bit broke off and fell on the floor! 

Anyway, as a personal boost, I've decided this January is going to be musical inspiration month and I am going to pick a song a day and some select lyrics that inspire me. (Suggestions welcomed too!)

Hopefully it will get me through this month, provide lots of positive inspiration and happy thoughts. 

Starting off with a wish for a very happy 2013 for everyone, courtesy of Leona Lewis:

 

So what if it hurts me

So what if I break down

So what if this world just throws me off the edge;

My feet run out of ground

I've gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause I'm just trying to be

HAPPY

Just wanna be happy

YEAH

(I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

"Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it"

    ~ Anon