Welcome 2015: hopes & dreams (& a little surgery update)

I really wanted to write my little summary of 2014 on here last week because, quite frankly, it wasn't a great year, - I wanted to write it down, get it out, and metaphorically leave it behind me; looking ahead to a new year.  


As I have done for the last couple of years, I'm going to set myself a 'January blog challenge' and write every day.  Today - wishes, hopes & dreams for a wonderful 2015 for everyone reading............

CHEERS  TO  2015 !

~  AND  TO  YOU  ~

I am a little late getting started...I did have my surgery on 31st December and have spent the majority of this year asleep so far!  The reason for the sleeping is definitely copious amounts of strong painkillers which have made it close to impossible to stay conscious for very long  -  this is definitely a good thing for my pain.

Pinterest always has it all - this is my perfect sleepshirt right now!

Yup!
(well, if we ignore the fact I couldn't get it on...)

First - my surgery:

I will see my surgeon, Dr G, next week for my follow up and to get my stitches removed and will learn more about my surgery then.  So far, all I know about the outcome is what my Dr G told my parents while I was still in recovery.

Surgery Plan:

• 'mobilisation & manipulation under general anaesthetic; plus arthroscopic release'
• i.e. knock me out, see how my shoulder moves when I can't feel anything; use the arthroscope to see what might be blocking movement and if it can be 'manipulated' ('gently' yanked; or scarred & dead tissue cut away) to let it move better

What happened:

• Moving my arm/ shoulder under anaesthetic showed abnormal movement - similar to the movement issues I have when I am awake and can feel things (like pain!!)
• this indicates there is still a 'mechanical' issue; not purely nerve damage
• if it had moved normally, it would have indicated it was more likely 'only' a problem with my nerves, such as nerve pain/ nerve compression preventing/ blocking normal movement
• the fact it showed a likely 'mechanical' issue was a really really good thing - it suggests there is still something that can be 'fixed' (to an extent) before all problems have to be attributed to ongoing nerve issues (we were coming close....... I was not happy!)

• Main issue is with attempts to try to move my arm above my head; this is the same as when I am awake - (attempted) passive movement by my physios to try to move my arm above my head is incredibly painful and creates a 'stuck' feeling

• Dr G could see my rotator cuff muscles looked good - this is a positive thing, but it's my understanding that with the kind of dyskinesia I have, these muscles would be expected to show something abnormal....... = further investigation required

• He searched more and found that some of my ligaments that enable my arm to make that movement were scarred down - explaining (to me, as much as I know just now, anyway) that 'stuck' feeling makes sense
• He 'released' these ligaments (I'm pretty sure this means I was cut up again - because it felt like it!)
• Once the ligaments had been 'released' * Dr G was able to passively move my arm above my head (yay! although whether this can be repeated while I am conscious will be kind of important....)
• * I acknowledge the constant use of inverted commas.  This is because I am pretty sure 'release' is a major euphemism.

Overall - aims of surgery were met & surgery seems to have been successful:

• Arm mobilised  þ
• Arm/shoulder manipulated  þ
• Tissue freed up/ 'released'  þ
• "junk" cleared out of shoulder capsule  þ
• My 'suggestion' to Dr G that he "just cut around my ribs, have a look and experiment - maybe you'll discover something new" X 
• (I wasn't really expecting to wake up to this one! He wasn't a fan of the 'experiment' suggestion! I just threw it out there a couple of times...... just in case)

Initially, it seems that this surgery has gone well.  Ultimately - and Dr G was very clear about this from the beginning - this is just a small part of a much bigger, complex picture  (I'm beginning to envision it as one of those 3D 'Magic Eye' pictures now, except nobody is quite sure what the hidden picture is yet)........ Actually, even better analogy - a 'Magic Eye 3D Jigsaw Puzzle' (I'm sure those exist); they are fitting the pieces together, they just have to make the whole picture and then they'll see the hidden picture!  Maybe now....

There are various things that will remain unknown until we see how this heals and how much movement the 'release' does give me.   Lots of things to consider......... I'll write about them later this week.


Second - January's blog-a-day:

As I've discussed before, there are lots of little 'anniversaries' in January that hold some negative associations for me.  For the last couple of years, my little January 'blog projects' have helped me focus on something positive to help me keep my mind off the negative feelings.

I'm not really one for new year's resolutions - I don't think you need a new year (or a new month, or a new week......) to decide to do something, or change something.  I think you just do it because you decide you want to.  I very much believe that applies to life in general, as Nike says, "Just do it."  And Nike was the Greek goddess of victory, so it seems like a pretty good philosophy to strive for.

Rather than pick something specific, like a song a day; this year I am going to turn to my bfb (best friend-bot) that is Pinterest, and highlight things that speak to me about the hopes, dreams and values I have in my life and for my future.  This January marks ten years of being 'ill' (and/ injured); so rather than reflecting on what I often feel illness has stolen from me; I'm aiming to focus on the things it has taught me.  And hopefully, as I improve physically, and continue my quest to return to health (yeah, it's definitely a quest!), I can carry those with me and they will help me live a better life, and enjoy every minute of it.

What a wonderful thought that is!

Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.

   ~ Anon

Optimistic eyes

I've missed a couple of days... partly because I have stuck to my painkillers + energy drinks (+ sheer stubbornness) = ability to do things and go places; and partly because 2 days of that meant I slept all day yesterday.

Today was a beautiful day - the kind of winter's day I really love here: cold, but with a bright blue sky and the sun shining.  Mum and I went out a walk.  Or, as she calls it, at my pace, a stroll (definitely more accurate).  It's the first time I've been out a walk for several months and we did walk slowly, but an estimated ~2 miles in total.  A two mile stroll is a major achievement for me - and focusing on the little achievements (anything that makes us smile!) is important, when life becomes 'step-by-step' or 'day-by-day'.

It wasn't an easy walk for me - and it really was at snail's pace, with some rests and pauses - but the fresh air felt really good.  We did a circuit around our neighbourhood, and then continued and did another one across the main road, and back home.  It's amazing how natural it is for our bodies to adapt in ways we don't even think about.... until we can't do it - only then do we realise how much of an effort we make, entirely unconsciously, walking up and down little slopes or hills.  I know walking uphill (I'm talking a slight incline here - nothing major) is hard, and I know it requires rests because it makes breathing more painful and my 'stuck' rib cage attempts to expand further so my lung can expand, and it can't.  I know to stop, take some breaths (sometimes hunched over) and then I can go on - but it is much more reassuring to walk with someone beside me, just in case.  I hate saying that, but unfortunately, right now, it's very true. (Even more unfortunately, also justified.)

However, today I learned that going down a steep hill is harder than going up one! (Even a tiny, short one, it's the incline that tortures!)  It came to one of those points where my brain knew what to do, and my body didn't.  If these didn't hurt so much, they would be almost funny... describing them is quite difficult.  I've tried to explain it by suggesting to someone: imagine doing a somersault (I was speaking to someone who couldn't somersault) -  you know the motion, the movement and the shape, but you can't just do a somersault.  A better example would actually be to imagine what it feels like to do a somersault underwater (everyone's done that, right?  Is it only me who thinks that's incredibly normal...?) - you can't hurt yourself underwater, it's fun, easy, and anyone can try it - but you can't just transfer that to a gym (or a park) even if you know what it feels like.  It's not the best example, but it's the closest I've come to feeling like the person I'm talking to might, possibly, be able to imagine what I mean...  Except that I'm talking about something really simple - walking down a hill - which shouldn't really be comparable to a learned skill like a somersault.  But it is.  As strange as it sounds - and it felt stranger! - my body didn't know how to walk down a hill.

Everyone knows when you have an injury, often another part of your body compensates for a while until the injury heals.  Quite often, we're not really aware of it until the other part of the body that's doing more work begins to niggle too.  This was like that, except I was slapped in the face with it - my body's 'compensation attempts' failed miserably.  To go down a hill, we naturally lean backwards to distribute our weight and walk without losing balance.  My muscles don't have the strength to do that (plus it hurts so much that they start to spasm - it's not a case of just sucking it up and dealing with an achy muscle type of pain; it's more of a black-sparkles-dizzy-nauseating-blackness inducing pain).  My brain seemed to be trying all sorts of ways - my right foot on tiptoe (didn't work); twisting my hips (didn't work); various ways of limping (I really never knew there were so many) - I actually stopped and had to think: how can I do this?  Ridiculous! It wasn't a big hill, we were nearly home, so I let the weird twisty-tip-toed-limping movement take over and got to the bottom of the slope as the black sparkling darkness really was descending.  After refusing to take my Mum's arm for the hill, I clutched at her for the last minute until we got across the road and to the front door and I could lie flat on my back on the sofa.

I'm counting that as a win......

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/inspirations-for-life/