I seem to have the flu, so I done even less than usual the last couple of days... basically, I have slept. Today I did not even see daylight. So, not a lot to write about really, and my thoughts go to dreams... both literal and metaphorical. Anyway, today I just kept thinking of this song. It's always been my favourite Madonna song, just because it conjures up such happy, evocative images and given that this week I am definitely determined to try to uplift myself (and doing so also uplifts everybody else according to yesterday's teabag),I have opted for another cheery song.:
Madonna - Dear Jessie
Ride
the rainbow to the other side
Catch
a falling star and then take a ride
To
the river that sings and the clover that
Brings
good luck to you
It's
all true
Pink
elephants and lemonade
Dear
Jessie hear the laughter
Running
through the love parade
Candy
kisses and a sunny day
Dear
Jessie see the roses
Raining
on the love parade
If
the land of make believe
Is
inside your heart it will never leave
There's
a golden gate where the fairies all wait
And
dancing moons
For
you
Close
your eyes and you'll be there
Where
the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like
a fountain of gold you can never grow old
Where
dreams are made
Your
love parade
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
I do not believe in miracles over the power of educated and skilled doctors; and I do not believe in magic over science; but there is a part of me that feels my recovery is also about my belief in my own wishes; my determination - through action - to make them come true and I feel this song expresses that. I do also believe that positive thought is a good thing. In gymnastics they say, "there's no such word as can't" in the gym - and that's because if you're going to attempt to defy gravity, you have to believe it's going to work.... if you don't believe it, you will come crashing down - and not because of gravity (usually), but because of your lack of belief in your ability to conquer the move. Sometimes all my shoulder work feels a bit like that - I know science and medicine and skilled doctors and physios are my lifeline; my foundation; but I also know the hard work has to comes from me too and that I have to believe my hard work will get me results. Therefore my dreams and my wishes are my positive thoughts - me visualising success (just wishing for it to come a little faster!). It also makes me think of a quote by a favourite childhood author:
“And above all, watch with glittering
eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden
in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find
it.”
My herbal tea bags have little philosophies on the tags. Tonight it says "Uplift everybody and uplift yourself" so I'm posting the most uplifting music video I can think of. It doesn't really have any specific lyrics I love or think are especially inspirational, but I find it a happy, uplifting song. The world's biggest flash mob all dancing together to the Black Eyed Peas singing I Gotta Feeling on the Oprah show a few years ago: (the good bit starts about 1 minute into the video, but this was the best HD video I could find)
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
“Behave so the aroma of your actions may
enhance the general sweetness of the atmosphere.”
Who wouldn't wish their troubles melted like lemon drops?! And what a beautiful, magical and eloquent way of wishing for that. Clearly, yesterday wasn't the best day but as I said, today was another day, and it was kind of interesting. I had a physio appointment, my physio was very careful not to push things very much today given the pain I have had since Thursday's appointment. We talked about the pros and cons of getting the extra movement with the increased muscle relaxants - good to get the movement, but bad to have the lasting pain. These conversations always just go round in circles - I need the movement to build the strength and stretch the muscles to ease the pain, but the movement causes so much pain and traps me in this pain cycle which is (obviously) not good; and I can't get the increased movement without the pain.... etc. I had a doctor's appointment afterwards and he cast an entirely different perspective on it which has given me lots to think about, and still no definite answers, but was much more positive. He said he thinks Thursday was not a disaster (my view at that moment in time) but it was actually a success! I had managed to find a combination of drugs that made my therapy session feel a bit easier, get a better range of motion (and there are measurements to prove that) and these things are good - now we just have to figure out how to deal with the "cool down" from the exercise, as he called it - i.e. what crazy combination of drugs will I have to take so I don't get such harsh kickback pain-wise. It makes sense. It's not ideal, I certainly don't want to be taking lots of strong drugs indefinitely (when I started the strong painkillers a year ago I never thought I'd still need them now) BUT, if it means a short period of using the drugs to break the movement-pain cycle above and to 'reset' my body's response to it, then it might just be the thing that helps. And given there aren't really any set protocols for this (yes that's just another way of saying I'm a freak... unique... a medical anomaly... I've been called many things this year!) I just have to try things out, find something that works and go with it. So that's the plan. I'm dreaming and wishing...
Somewhere
Over The Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
(I LOVE this version. It's awesome!)
Somewhere
over the rainbow, way up high
And
the dreams that you dreamed of once in a lullaby -ii -iii
Oh
somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds
fly
And
the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams
really do come true -oo- ooh
Someday
I'll wish upon a star
Wake
up where the clouds are far behind me -ee-ee
Where
trouble melts like lemon drops,
High
above the chimney tops,
That's
where you'll find me
Oh
somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
And
the dream that you dare to why, oh why, can't I? -ii-iii
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
Today's quote applies generally to the way I think. It always makes me think of a conversation I had with my Dad about flying cars where he said it would never happen and I was being ridiculous but I had all the rules in my head - like the rules that apply on water when driving a boat, but in the sky; projected traffic lights; technology unimaginable right now; and Dad - still (many years later) maintains it's crazy. Earlier this year - for some reason - I had a similar conversation with my physio, about flying cars. He wondered what would happen with tunnels that go through mountains, there would have to be a rule for that. Same wavelength... I guess it's why I don't really hate him for torturing me every week.... In all honesty, I think he's fantastic.
"You see things; you say, 'Why?'
But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?"
Today has been a sore day. A 'watch the clock until the next painkiller dose while permanently attached to my ice machine' kind of day - hoping, somehow, to achieve some sort of pain relief, whether by various painkillers, muscle relaxants, herbal teas, muscle rubs or ice-induced numbness. Needless to say, these days are not very much fun. Certainly not as enjoyable as a pyjama day should be! They are fewer than they used to be, but I still can't believe that 10 months on from my surgery, 18 months after my accident, I am still having these days. Anyway, tomorrow is another day... although, unfortunately I'm scheduled for more physiotherapy torture which I think may be to blame for today in the first place... that wasn't really the point. Tomorrow is another day....
One
Republic - Stop and Stare
Stop
and stare
I
think I'm moving
But
I go nowhere
Yeah
I know that everyone gets scared
But
I've become what I can't be, woah
Stop
and stare
You
start to wonder why you're here not there
And
you'd give anything to get what's fair
But
fair ain't what you really need
Stop
and stare
I
think I'm moving
But
I go nowhere
Yeah
I know that everyone gets scared
But
I've become what I can't be
Oh
do you see what I see?
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
Today we went to see the Cirque du Soleil 3D movie "Worlds Away", and I think if I could, I would definitely still love to run away and join the circus! My favourite song in the film was actually Blackbird, by The Beatles, which I don't actually think I ever remember hearing before.
Blackbird
singing in the dead of night
Take
these broken wings
And
learn to fly.
All
your life
You
were only waiting
For
this moment to arise
Blackbird
singing in the dead of night
Take
these sunken eyes
And
learn to see
All
your life
You
were only waiting
For
this moment to be free
Blackbird
fly
Blackbird
fly
Into
the light of a dark black night
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
The film was fantastic and (like the five Cirque shows I've seen on stage and the four DVDs I have) I'd certainly recommend it to everyone! Here's the trailer and a bit about making the film from Cirque's YouTube channel:
And it makes me think of another of my favourite quotes (I haven't even had to go searching for quotes this week, they are all just jumping out at me and pairing perfectly with my selected lyrics!):
“The higher we soar, the smaller we
appear to those who cannot fly.”
Since I hurt my shoulder I have lots of dreams where I am trying to do gymnastics, usually on a trampoline but I can't bounce high enough because I can't use my arms properly to get any height. It's a logical (well, to my mind) progression from the dreams I had when I was very ill with Lyme and my legs were so sore and heavy. Then, I would dream I was trying to somersault - again, usually on a trampoline, sometimes a tumble track - but my legs just didn't have enough power so I couldn't get any height and would constantly land on my knees. In my dreams I would just constantly somi-somi-somi-somi and land on my knees; over and over and over again. I suppose it was a subconscious expression of my waking frustration. I have very vivid dreams, which I generally enjoy, so I suppose it makes perfect sense that my physical experiences cross over into my subconscious when I'm asleep. At the same time, despite being constantly exhausted and having so little energy, one of Lyme's cruel paradoxes is the insomnia it brings. With my shoulder pain, the added impossibility of getting truly comfortable - and my very strange contrary reactions to some drugs that are supposed to have sedative properties - means I am truly an insomniac. It takes me hours to fall asleep, my body has no idea what time zone it is supposed to be on, and since I don't seem to fit with the time zone on this side of the world, my doctor's advice is to move to Tahiti, which sounds great. And when I do eventually fall asleep, it is sheer bliss because it means my painkillers are working, my body relaxes and (usually) my pain fades... along with the 'real world'. I've always loved this song, but paying close attention to the lyrics makes it appropriate in so many ways just now:
Owl
City - Fireflies
I'd
like to make myself believe
That
planet Earth turns slowly
It's
hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause
everything is never as it seems
(When
I fall asleep)
*
* * * * *
Leave
my door open just a crack
(Please take
me away from here)
'Cause
I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take
me away from here)
Why
do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take
me away from here)
When
I'm far too tired to fall asleep…
*
* * * * *
I'd
like to make myself believe
That
planet Earth turns slowly
It's
hard to say I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because
my dreams are bursting at the seams
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
And to top it off perfectly, this song and all my thoughts make me think of two of my very favourite quotes by Poe, also my favourite poet.
They who dream by day are cognizant of
many things which escape those who dream only by night.
~ Edgar Allan Poe
And:
“Is all that we see or seem,
But a dream within a dream”
~ Edgar Allan Poe
Also, always good to have another one that always reminds me it's good to look at things from a different perspective:
“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible
sanity.”
What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. Today at physio (aided by some extra drugs, as another round of self-experimentation) my physio managed to get some extra passive movement from my shoulder. The drugs don't take away the pain I get with movement - which is good because they want me to know when to stop - but they seem to stop my muscles 'guarding' (a technical term) against movement as a means of protection that must come from my lizard brain because I certainly can't control it. It means that it is possible for the muscles and nerves and tissues to be stretched manually so that I can get back some range-of-motion and eventually that will become an active range of motion (where I am moving it, not someone moving it passively) and then once I get that, I can start on some strengthening work. Still a long process ahead... However, a little positivity today as my passive range-of-motion measurements have increased in the last two months. There are four measurements and my measurements have increased 8 degrees, 7 degrees, 11 degrees and 7 degrees for two overhead measurements (the word overhead is used very loosely here - I guess it's more of an aim for overhead right now) and then internal and external rotation. The last two were really good improvements because it pretty much means I don't have a frozen shoulder capsule, which was an added complication from underuse that everyone was concerned about a couple of months ago when my measurements had gone backwards. On my good days at physio, when the drugs are working and my muscles seem more relaxed, my physio does push it a little bit more - we are aiming to get my arm/shoulder motion to 90 degrees so that I can get certain stretches that will hopefully stop other muscles pulling (mainly on my ribs) on my bones - right now everything is so tight that I have lumps and extra-tender points on certain bones where the attachment sites are. I can't stretch properly because my scapula and shoulder just don't have the mobility to get into a position to stretch. So that is this month's challenge. I really want to try hard to get it to the 90 degree mark... but still within all my restrictions about limiting pain because I also don't want to push myself backwards trying to go forwards....... oh it is such a fine line.... if only I could figure out where it actually is. Today's lyrics are a perfect fit - one of my absolute favourite songs at the moment. I also love the video... they asked people to send in their own videos via Youtube of them doing the choreography and then chose the best ones to use in the video. Earlier this year I used to have this video on repeat as I worked through some of my exercises, so it's kind of my exercise mantra. I know the dance in my head and everything..... Although I don't think my horizontal dance-along in bed attached to my ice machine would have made the final cut...
KELLY
CLARKSON
What
doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand
a little taller
Doesn't
mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What
doesn't kill you makes you a fighter
Footsteps
even lighter
Doesn't
mean I'm over cause you're gone.
What
doesn't kill you makes you stronger
STRONGER
(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
And the original quote from the (crazy) genius himself:
