Zen and the art of colouring

It has been a while since I've blogged.  There are various reasons for that, right now I'm just going to leave it at 'this year's not been an easy one'. I'm sure I will get around to filling in the gaps at some point.


But, it's a new month, and I have been thinking about my neglected blog; so hopefully it will be a successful and productive month; and I am hoping my blog - and writing - will help me get through it because it feels like anything that helps is worth it....... I am sure I'll get into that later too.

https://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/inspiration-for-recovery/

Recently I have been embracing 'mindfulness' in a big way - there are lots of different specifics claiming to teach mindfulness, or to help achieve mindfulness, but for me it is about recognising where you are and what you feel in that moment, identifying that, accepting it, dealing with it, and then allowing yourself to move on.

https://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/pain/

This specifically describes a very traditional method of mindfulness, but the key point is identifying how you
feel in the moment and finding what works for you  For me, that's not simply sitting and breathing, since
emptying my mind - although the ultimate meditation - just doesn't work!

https://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/just-me-my-thoughts/

Writing has always done that for me - it's always been an escape.  Art (as in drawing, painting etc.) has played a big part in it too - but since hurting my shoulder 4 years ago, art has still felt like more of a chore - an exercise in determination rather than relaxation...... sometimes worth it, sometimes not; but definitely something I still love to do when I can.

But over the past few months I have found the 'adult colouring book craze' to be the perfect compromise between my (limited) body and mind.  I honestly think it is the first time I have found something that allows me to relax and to switch off since I stopped being able to exercise - a decade ago.  I'm not creating the art, so it's actually more relaxing than drawing; I can get into 'position' - pillows positioned perfectly, both arms supported, my neck supported by my neck pillow, my pens/ pencils/ paintbrushes right next to me; sometimes I have Netflix or music (or um, noise, I've also become a fan of binaural and isochronic beats for pain/ sleep/ relaxation/ energy - not that I've found that one very useful.....); sometimes I am just thinking about colours - I can feel my subconscious ticking away, as always, my thoughts just flowing through my head, but they are not my focus.  I am lost in colours and designs and I feel relaxed.  Anyone who knows me knows that's not exactly my strong point.  My attempts at meditation are pretty much summarised in this old post: Meditation Failure.  All attempts: past, present, probably future - all of them!  So finding my zen in a colouring book is a pretty significant achievement!

https://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/inspiration-for-recovery/

And just as an extra bonus, my shoulder surgeon, hand surgeon, physios and doctors all approve - I am rebuilding neuromuscular connections so it's actual therapy on all fronts! (I've definitely stopped dropping things as much with my right hand....... not completely, although I haven't involuntarily thrown anything for a while); I'm getting better at staying inside the lines with my right hand(!); my left hand seems to be better at that - I am not sure if I am benefiting from improving my ambidexterity and exercising both hemispheres of my brain; or if I am just confusing left and right even more; but either way, it's pretty relaxing, yet beneficial rehab for both sides - I can just swap hands when one side gets a bit tired............ I've even managed to colour with both hands at once! That goes back to a bit more concentration and not as much relaxation though....

Oh, and I am absolutely recommending 'colouring books for mindfulness' to everyone I know for everything and anything!

                                    

                   

                      

Just a few examples

The secret of life is in art

~ Oscar Wilde  ~

Feldenkrais

Today (well Friday, I've still to sleep, but it is after midnight...) I have my first Feldenkrais appointment. I don't know an awful lot about it so I will learn much more at the session from the practitioner but it is somatic re-education - basically, I'm hoping it will help with the neuromuscular regeneration and help my brain form new (or re-form..?) neuromuscular connections and help in my recovery of movement and strength.

I stumbled across it a couple of weeks ago (actually while searching for "frozen scapula" on Google, realising my blog was the top hit - and that certainly wasn't very helpful in learning more about it - and then clicking out of sheer curiosity on a piano playing forum that also came up on Google's first page of "frozen scapula" searches).  Incidentally my specialist physio endorsed both the Feldenkrais method and some piano exercises... soon I will be better at scales than ever before!

I read a bit about it and it just seemed to fit with everything; I got a really good gut feeling about it.  From what I read it seems to be about helping your brain and body communicate better, enhancing movement in everyday life, but also for athletes and dancers (and helping with assisted movement in ill or injured people).  After the benefits I seem to be getting from trying to utilize muscle memory in my exercises, this seems like another new thing to try; a new approach that will fit with everything else I am doing.  I am really hopeful this will be a positive thing.

The quote is from the creator of the method, Moshe Feldenkrais, and the image came from this site.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

  ~ Albert Einstein

Determination

It's been an, um... interesting week.  I think it has been one of the most challenging weeks since my surgery.  I am optimistic and very pleased that my muscles are trying to work again, but I really didn't expect them to hurt this much while they're trying!  I realise this is another stage in the process... but nothing has been going very quickly... so it is a mental challenge to accept that the intense pain is a positive thing; to manage it appropriately and to try really hard not to let it beat me, emotionally.

It's amazing how draining the pain is.  When I get these 'episodes' of extreme pain, the muscle spasms very suddenly and severely, I sweat and feel really nauseous, the black dots and sparkly lights are back with a vengeance - I feel like my body's been through a traumatic event and just wants to sleep it off - it sounds so dramatic, but people keep telling me it is my body's response to severe pain, it is not something I can control.  It makes it so difficult to do anything else, to concentrate or even think about other things when the pain is all-consuming.  (The drugs don't really help with that either!)  Again, it's another thing I think I should be able to control more and to just power through and make myself do things... but then it's another thing that all my medical professionals explain to me is outwith my control...

However,  I have been shown how to try to minimise the reaction/ spasming.  So, today - when walking down stairs caused my rhomboid to spasm, I got myself into a position (kind of half lying my upper body on a table.. or worktop... or closest available surface) where the weight was taken off my shoulder and got my arm into a position where any strain or stretch on my rhomboids is relieved (scapula retracted), and my mum very very tentatively, and very very gently massaged the area, as my physio said.  It did help.  I think the heat, painkillers, muscle relaxant and anti-spasmodic drugs also really helped; but I also think I did manage to stop it turning into a full-blown, close-to-blacking-out, biting-the-pillow experience this time........... which is an improvement.

It's a bit frustrating realising that my muscles and brain seem to be communicating again but not knowing what is going to set off the cramping and spasms.  I had a chat with my physio yesterday about trying (STILL) to find that balance between doing enough to get a steady improvement without causing setbacks, and doing too much and exacerbating the pain again (more).  I am, as ever, determined to keep working at it.

Everyone seems VERY encouraged that this is happening.  My physio said to me yesterday, "You probably had times this year when you wondered if you were ever going to be able to use your right arm again - this means you definitely are."

(I think this means he had times this year when he wondered that too... So I think it's a good thing he's saying it now - when that worry has subsided!)

Honestly, it worried me how long things were going to take, and how much pain I was going to have for a long time - and I still don't know the answers to those questions.  But I really didn't entertain not getting the use of my arm back as an option.  I knew it was a concern, but I felt more determined to find something that would work; anything; that would let me use it - I never actually considered the rest of my life without the use of my arm, even though I knew doctors had talked about it.  It just wasn't an option for me.

This quote fits really well with that.  I find my blog really beneficial for positive re-enforcement - if I say it out loud, I am also saying it to myself, and hopefully also passing along some positive encouragement to others.  But I think the quiet determination inside has to be louder.

And I think there will be plenty of determination required to get me through the next few weeks.

People often say that motivation doesn't last.  Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

   ~ Zig Ziglar

She believed she could...

... so she did.

I came across this quote/ image on Pintrest recently and I absolutely love it.  Talk about being simple, to the point, and still inspirational!  I've tried searching to find the author or origin, but the quote is all over cyberspace without any author attributed. (If anyone knows, please let me know.)

Just keeping things short and simple today, like the quote.  I think I got cramp in my rhomboid muscle tonight.  Picture an overly dramatic footballer hitting the ground with cramp in his calf, switch it to the shoulder and factor in some major torn-repaired-drilled-post-surgical-pain-issues as well and that's getting close.  I bit my pillow while Mum half-balanced, half-held a hot water bottle on my scapula until I stopped seeing black spots and sweating; and my ability to breathe and talk (and cry) returned;  and then I thought..... my muscles are trying to work!!

Then it did it a couple more times and my attempt to be positive and excited kind of dissipated, beaten back by the ferocious pain; but it feels like, maybe, my muscles are waking up... hopefully my physio thinks this is good when I see him tomorrow.  And then hopefully this phase will not last very long.

I don't believe life is really simple, but I do think we over-complicate it (as I am doing to this eloquent, simple quote!).  Sometimes it's nice to have a reminder that it doesn't have to be complicated all the time; sometimes, we can just decide to do something - and we do it.

Happy Monday everyone!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. 

  ~  Confucious

Dance in the rain

I really enjoyed doing my daily blog in January and am delighted some of my friends have asked me to keep going because it gives me a great reason (/excuse) to do so!

I thought this month I'll keep going with the inspirational thing, since I certainly need lots of it right now!  So I'm going to mix some things I love together - books, quotes, words and art - and try to post an inspirational picture and quote, combined or linked, every day.  I've been working on some inspirational art to put up on my walls - I figure an overload of motivation and positive thoughts can only be good... Plus, it gives me another theme.

I have just actually spent a couple of hours managing to hang some pictures on my wall. (Awkwardly, but accomplished! Ok, half-finished...)  Sometimes it feels amazing how my body has got used to doing things with such limited use of my right arm... one of the questions on the shoulder function questionnaire I've done a lot (at various places... many many times...) asks how much difficulty do you have getting dressed? (I can't do this/ much difficulty/some difficulty/ no difficulty) and I'm never quite sure what to put anymore.  Initially, getting dressed one handed was a real challenge - there were times I needed help as I simply couldn't do it on my own; but now I am quite adept at getting my left arm out of my left sleeve without requiring the right arm to 'pull' (go on, try it! It's not easy!!) - so getting dressed is not difficult anymore. (Ok, there may have been a couple of occasions I've got stuck in a dress this winter and had to shout for help from my Mum, but just a couple!) But that's not because I don't have a problem, it's because there just seems to be this amazing ability in the human brain to adapt and make something work, so I never know what answer to put on the questionnaire (then multiply that by about 20 questions... although after question 5, I pretty much fail at everything)!

And as much as that's a good thing, it is also my biggest problem right now.  My Dad was talking to our friend, the neurologist who has been treating me (actually, who saved me by getting to the actual diagnosis) and he said to my Dad that everything is working, mechanically, now, it's just "in there" and tapped his head.  My Dad (despite sometimes asking me a similar thing or telling me it's having confidence in my body - which I then disagree with: it's not!) said he felt quite defensive of me and said he didn't think it was that, I was really trying as hard as I could and working hard.  Our friend laughed and said that wasn't what he meant, it was not psychological, it was the brain that had to 'learn' how to make the muscles work again.  It gets 'stuck' in a pattern of movement - and it's SO hard for me to really understand this, because I just think I should be able to make my body move however I want - but it gets stuck because it has developed certain movements, as a protective movement or as an alternative movement to prevent pain and now my challenge is to change the neuromuscular pathways; to teach my brain how to use my muscles normally again and this will increase my movement, which will eventually allow me to start increasing my strength, which will - hopefully - eventually reduce my pain!!

When I think back to February last year, I was SO excited to be getting the surgery and finally having doctors who knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it. But I had no idea what lay ahead... Just as well...!

Today I have a picture I painted (well, I use the word loosely because dribbled paint and blew on it is more accurate) and a card on a bookshelf that go together.  I've had the card a while, and I love the quote and a few months ago I saw a similar picture somewhere and thought it really visualised the quote on the card; so I painted my own version of it and I really love the outcome:

And my quote for today is for my Mum.  It's her favourite, and so very true:

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." 

  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson