A week of good wishes for YOU

We're one week into 2015 and my blogging intentions have not exactly been realised (i.e. I've failed miserably - but I'm aiming for positive, so the first way sounds better!). 

So here is a week's worth of happy, positive, and inspirational words; wishes for 2015, and for life.

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

“This world is but a canvas 

to our imaginations.”

  ~ Henry David Thoreau ~

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

"Life isn't about finding yourself. 

Life is about creating yourself." 

   ~ George Bernard Shaw ~

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

“The time you enjoy wasting 

is not wasted time.”

~ Bertrand Russell ~

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

“Learn from yesterday, 

live for today,

hope for tomorrow."

   ~ Albert Einstein ~

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

“Do not lose hold of your 

dreams or aspirations.   

For if you do, you may still exist 

but you have  ceased to live.”

   ~ Henry David Thoreau ~

Let your art blossom   © Gail Munro

And the day came when the risk to remain 

tight in a bud was more painful 

than the risk it took to blossom.

~ Anais Nin

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

And throughout the YEAR!

Frustrating little thing called patience

Today this happened:

My first thought: it bloody well better...

(Clearly I am still learning about the concept of patience...)

Then I got into bed, ready to write this blog post, moved about a millimetre to adjust my pillow and BAM! Excruciating pain.  A pain I have come to identify as scar tissue breaking up. So................. just more tissue ripping apart inside my body again......... followed by the initial, and futile, lip-biting attempts to quash the reaction to the increasing pain.... groaning and sweating; quickly joined by the realisation the burning in my eyes and cheeks are hot tears; then the realisation I'm holding my breath because breathing hurts too much............ knowing certain positions are (moderately) helpful, I painfully ease myself into the weight-off-the-scapula-arm-compressing-pillow-hug that offers the most relief while I wait out the worst of the pain until I can move again.  Luckily I had just taken my bedtime dose of tablets (although I don't think they're working very well) and I thought it didn't take too long this time, but as I look at the clock on my computer while I type this (with only my left hand; my right arm is following the now-well-defined pattern and has gone numb) I realise that all took about an hour. 

 It's not really a good thing that I have come to accept this as 'normal' - "are you sweating?" my new (and also old, just 'new right now') flatmate asked me with a little ring of panic in her voice, during one of these pain episodes.... "doctor? hospital?.... what can I do?... tea??"  (Yes, V, if you're reading this, you're awesome.  And if you're not, now I'll know because you won't let that compliment pass unnoticed ;-).  Seriously though, she is a fantastic friend.  And has realised that tea is pretty much the solution to everything - I guess a good inspiration for my January blog in many ways!) So - yes please, the logical choice - tea (and ice/heat and muscle relaxants) as I attempt to assure her this is ok; this is 'normal'.  Her face usually says "well here's the tea, but I don't believe you."

She's probably right.

But right now?? Now that I'm repositioned, wrapped in my heated blanket and able to breathe again...?? Now?! Now I'm thinking: patience??! Seriously!? Either I really needed a reminder (which I can assure you, I didn't; 'normal' pain is enough of a daily - hourly, minute-ly reminder -  this is going nowhere fast, and patience, although not my strong point, is a necessity); or perhaps the universe has some sick sense of humour.  Actually, I wonder if someone somewhere has a voodoo doll of me........

Here I was, all ready to write about journeys and individuality and how annoying cliches such as 'Patience pays' and 'time heals' really are true... Even if we all hate them when someone says them to us (yet have probably also said them to others) - because the irritating thing about cliches is they are cliches for a reason.  A little writing, a few inspirational pictures I found on Pinterest (where else?!) and that was my blog-plan.  I should have been done, dusted and asleep by now (or at the very least, battling my insomnia...).  Instead I'm wishing I was in Colorado right now and could see if some newly allowed self-medication was any good for this pain....

Since I'm not in Colorado, I guess I'll resort back to the philosophical inspirations...

Realistically, being really pedantic, your world can fall apart in a day, or in an instant; I think it takes more than ten times as long... but we all do it - all the time, in our own ways.  So I think the point is we can put ourselves back together - with time, and some patience; and all in our own time.  

...............

  

 For me, those kind of sentiments are why some well-intended words, such as 'patience pays' - can feel both inspirational, calming, and frustrating all at the same time.  We are all on our own journeys, dealing with our own struggles, some are little obstacle that just get in the way; others create journeys that make daily life seem like an infinite Tough Mudder challenge. 


So it's always good to remind yourself of the little steps you have taken:

And, perhaps most importantly, never compare your story to someone else's.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

    ~ Oscar Wilde

Peace, tranquility & harmony

Today's teabag is something we all crave (well I certainly do!).  It's something that we should all make time for - even for just a moment, to sit, relax and contemplate everything and nothing all at once.   It seems perfectly accompanied by some soothing photos and few words. Have a peaceful day :-)

http://www.yogiproducts.com

Things that bring me peace, tranquility & harmony:

One of my favourite pieces of art - my Dad brought it back from Barcelona for me a few years ago, and it is framed in my bedroom where I can lie in bed and lose myself in it, imagining the beautiful absurdity of playing a grand piano in a hay field.

Memories of perhaps the most peaceful, tranquil place I have been: 

Seven Mile Beach on Grand Cayman

The idea we are just tiny specks of stardust, floating around the universe, temporarily inhabiting a conscious body.  This reminds me of one of my favourite books, 'Sophie's World' by Jostein Gaarder - at one point he writes, "We are all made of star dust." This thought soothes me, and this image illustrates the idea perfectly.

What brings you peace, tranquility & harmony?  It's the weekend.... take a moment.....

“It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.”

  ~ Henry David Thoreau

Grumpy

Today I feel grumpy. I had a decent amount of sleep, but really it was very broken by pain with every movement, I couldn't get to sleep because the pain was making me uncomfortable and then the more annoyed I get the more elusive sleep becomes.

However, I made it through the day (with a little help from my drugs), read some news, watched some video, obsessed over how much snow might fall in the Philly area - disappointed about this too! Four inches.... ok, so four inches might have caused London Heathrow to shut down a few weeks ago (ridiculous) but four inches here is nothing.  It is not exciting.  If there's a snowday and blizzard watchs only slightly farther north of us, I'd really like some decent snow too!

Managed to play bananagrams after dinner but I do still struggle to sit for long.  Joining in the party now, are my re-connected muscles that have started throwing their own temper tantrams as soon as they get tired. BAM. SPASM. F**K. So, off I went to bed feeling decidedly grumpy, in pain, and struggling to find relief.  

Got myself all sorted into bed, ice machine plugged in, velcro-ed around me, pillows built up around me, computer on knee, tea in left hand and then something fell off the bed..... please don't let it be important.... please don't let it be important..... I looked and, most definitely out of reach, lay my phone: my all-in-one flashlight, alarm clock, time in the dark etc.  Kind of necessary.

I eased my left side over until I managed to perch the tea on the box on my nightstand; especially there for that reachable purpose (after coffee went everywhere last week - should've thought of it sooner); un-velcro-ed the ice machine; considered trying to reach the phone without getting out of bed, decided that was too dangerous, climbed out of bed, got my phone.......... climbed back into bed (this is exercise in itself), re-velcro-ed the ice machine's shoulder pack around me, fixed my pillows, got my computer back up on my lap, reached for my tea......... and knocked my just-about-to-eat packet of popcorn off the bed. And here we go again....

It's so annoying, just simple simple thing being such a process... well, usually it's just a bit annoying, but today, in the depths of my deepest, darkest grumpiness I was really frustrated.... OK, I wanted to break things.

I went on Pintrest to search for a grumpy quote and - typically -found all sorts of inspirational ones.  I'm not sure if this made me feel better, or annoyed that even the universe can't just entertain my grumpiness for a couple of hours!!  Anyway, I did find a few worth sharing... more of the funny or inspirational kind, and they did make me smile....

I have the ingredients for this.... perhaps I should try it....!

Yup, it's all about perspective.  Universe: I feel I deserve a few more good ones than bad ones for a while please?

I have also seen this a few times on Buzzfeed - the title is "19 People Who Are Having a Way Worse Day Than You" and to be honest, I don't think it really applies to everyone (unfortunately I'm quite a good contender for that just now) but I simplye adore number five.  As wrong as it is, I can watch this clip over and over and over and over and over and laugh more each time.  Having hit a couple of bad springboards in my life, I do have sympathy for the guy too, but I've never seen it done like that before!!  Actually, here it is on YouTube:

I dare you not to laugh....!

And this little rhyme just made me smile.

Nothing is permanent.

   ~ Buddah

I will try again

I saw this quote today on a magnet by Quotable Cards and it actually made me feel a bit emotional and I choked on my words as I tried to read it out loud.  I started to read it to my Mum because it really resonated with me and I didn't quite manage to get it all out.  Sometimes it's just the simple things that really hit a nerve.

I think it applies to everyone, at some point in their lives, in probably a billion different scenarios, as we all fight our own battles... The point is that just getting up and dealing with each day, and with whatever the day throws at you is courage.  The alternative is to hide under the covers, away from the world; the human equivalent of an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.  And while this is highly appealing at times, trying again tomorrow is what gets results. Even if it takes a thousand tomorrows.

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

  ~ Abraham Lincoln

She believed she could...

... so she did.

I came across this quote/ image on Pintrest recently and I absolutely love it.  Talk about being simple, to the point, and still inspirational!  I've tried searching to find the author or origin, but the quote is all over cyberspace without any author attributed. (If anyone knows, please let me know.)

Just keeping things short and simple today, like the quote.  I think I got cramp in my rhomboid muscle tonight.  Picture an overly dramatic footballer hitting the ground with cramp in his calf, switch it to the shoulder and factor in some major torn-repaired-drilled-post-surgical-pain-issues as well and that's getting close.  I bit my pillow while Mum half-balanced, half-held a hot water bottle on my scapula until I stopped seeing black spots and sweating; and my ability to breathe and talk (and cry) returned;  and then I thought..... my muscles are trying to work!!

Then it did it a couple more times and my attempt to be positive and excited kind of dissipated, beaten back by the ferocious pain; but it feels like, maybe, my muscles are waking up... hopefully my physio thinks this is good when I see him tomorrow.  And then hopefully this phase will not last very long.

I don't believe life is really simple, but I do think we over-complicate it (as I am doing to this eloquent, simple quote!).  Sometimes it's nice to have a reminder that it doesn't have to be complicated all the time; sometimes, we can just decide to do something - and we do it.

Happy Monday everyone!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. 

  ~  Confucious

Dance in the rain

I really enjoyed doing my daily blog in January and am delighted some of my friends have asked me to keep going because it gives me a great reason (/excuse) to do so!

I thought this month I'll keep going with the inspirational thing, since I certainly need lots of it right now!  So I'm going to mix some things I love together - books, quotes, words and art - and try to post an inspirational picture and quote, combined or linked, every day.  I've been working on some inspirational art to put up on my walls - I figure an overload of motivation and positive thoughts can only be good... Plus, it gives me another theme.

I have just actually spent a couple of hours managing to hang some pictures on my wall. (Awkwardly, but accomplished! Ok, half-finished...)  Sometimes it feels amazing how my body has got used to doing things with such limited use of my right arm... one of the questions on the shoulder function questionnaire I've done a lot (at various places... many many times...) asks how much difficulty do you have getting dressed? (I can't do this/ much difficulty/some difficulty/ no difficulty) and I'm never quite sure what to put anymore.  Initially, getting dressed one handed was a real challenge - there were times I needed help as I simply couldn't do it on my own; but now I am quite adept at getting my left arm out of my left sleeve without requiring the right arm to 'pull' (go on, try it! It's not easy!!) - so getting dressed is not difficult anymore. (Ok, there may have been a couple of occasions I've got stuck in a dress this winter and had to shout for help from my Mum, but just a couple!) But that's not because I don't have a problem, it's because there just seems to be this amazing ability in the human brain to adapt and make something work, so I never know what answer to put on the questionnaire (then multiply that by about 20 questions... although after question 5, I pretty much fail at everything)!

And as much as that's a good thing, it is also my biggest problem right now.  My Dad was talking to our friend, the neurologist who has been treating me (actually, who saved me by getting to the actual diagnosis) and he said to my Dad that everything is working, mechanically, now, it's just "in there" and tapped his head.  My Dad (despite sometimes asking me a similar thing or telling me it's having confidence in my body - which I then disagree with: it's not!) said he felt quite defensive of me and said he didn't think it was that, I was really trying as hard as I could and working hard.  Our friend laughed and said that wasn't what he meant, it was not psychological, it was the brain that had to 'learn' how to make the muscles work again.  It gets 'stuck' in a pattern of movement - and it's SO hard for me to really understand this, because I just think I should be able to make my body move however I want - but it gets stuck because it has developed certain movements, as a protective movement or as an alternative movement to prevent pain and now my challenge is to change the neuromuscular pathways; to teach my brain how to use my muscles normally again and this will increase my movement, which will eventually allow me to start increasing my strength, which will - hopefully - eventually reduce my pain!!

When I think back to February last year, I was SO excited to be getting the surgery and finally having doctors who knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it. But I had no idea what lay ahead... Just as well...!

Today I have a picture I painted (well, I use the word loosely because dribbled paint and blew on it is more accurate) and a card on a bookshelf that go together.  I've had the card a while, and I love the quote and a few months ago I saw a similar picture somewhere and thought it really visualised the quote on the card; so I painted my own version of it and I really love the outcome:

And my quote for today is for my Mum.  It's her favourite, and so very true:

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." 

  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Turn it around...

Ugh,  today at physio I really didn't feel like I did very well at all.  I was very sore, my movement was tighter and not as good as last week (even with all the same drugs) and then afterwards I just felt really flat... and more sore.  I know everyone keeps telling me I'll make a bit of progress and then plateau and then take another step forward again and so on, and so on, but it's still frustrating because I just want to feel as if every single session is building on the next...

Anyway, it was a bad day so I just have to put it behind me, move on and hope the rest of the week is better!

"Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

  *       *       *        *       *       *

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

The perfect day to use a quote sent to me recently by a friend:

Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long.

~Douglas Coupland

How I used to be

We are all shaped by our experiences.  It is impossible to escape the fact that we are all products of our own environments - affected by everything and everyone we encounter; by everything that happens to us; and by everything we see, read, absorb in any way.

How we cope with things, how we deal with problems, how we deal with other people - everything that happens in our lives sometimes feels so out of our own control... when you truly sit down and think about it, why do we even think the things we do?  Is anything really a part of our own consciousness, or is everything affected by something external?

Who knows.

Somewhere, I suppose we have to have something internal, something that makes us 'us'; our very consciousness, or soul, or whatever personal beliefs we might have that attribute some sort of name to the very essence of our being.  Does that make us react differently, to different things?  Does it make some of us fighters?  Does it make some people strong and other people weak?  Some responsible and sensible; others carefree? I don't suppose any existential wonderings on a short blog are going to answer any of the big philosophical questions of humanity... But the question running around my head all the time now is: who would I be if this hadn't all happened to me?  Would I be an entirely different person?  Would I be how I used to be?

And the even bigger question: would I want that?

It's impossible to answer, so it's not really worth wondering too much about; but seeing things from an entirely different perspective is nothing if it is not, at the very least, eye-opening.

"Unwell"

Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be...me

  *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I'm just a little unwell

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

~ Henry David Thoreau

The Journey

Today's thoughts are really taking up from where I left off yesterday, with the idea that life is all about the journey.  Everyone faces challenges in their lives and everyone deals with them differently, but ultimately our experiences, and how we deal with them, are what shape us and make us into the people we are.

Having conversations with people who have been extremely ill - at any age, but especially at a young age - is entirely different from having conversations with 'normal' people.  Normal people think you can make plans, write them in your diary, and they happen.  Normal people make life plans; their experiences give them confidence in their ability to make these plans happen and they have no reason to believe otherwise.  When it is difficult to make plans, because you have no idea if you will be able to keep those plans, it becomes very difficult to trust in the future at all; to believe that plans will happen.  In some ways, I feel like I have achieved some sort of weird zen - living in the moment, just taking each day as it comes and dealing with things that way.  But it's kind of difficult to explain, and it's definitely not viewed as 'normal'!

One of the hardest things about experiencing any kind of life disrupting illness or injury - something that throws your life so far off track that you might as well be racing around on another planet is trying to explain any part of that to your peers.  Friends can be the most empathetic, sympathetic, wonderfully supportive people; but the only people who truly understand it are people who have also experienced it.

In some cases, it is impossible for friends and family to genuinely understand and accept that these things are simply not something that can be controlled.  Friendships dissipate, people drift apart, causing hurt and feelings of rejection.  In other cases friendships become solidified by unbreakable bonds, held together by the glue of true acceptance, trust, loyalty... and a little bit of magic.

I consider myself very lucky to have a few of those very special people in my life.  And while the journey can be painful, the reward is wonderful.

Today I've decided to choose some lyrics from one of my very favourite songs, Drops of Jupiter by Train.  It's really a love song, but I think it has a bigger meaning that relates to a journey of self discovery.  In some ways, I feel like my journey through most of the last decade of my life has been like being catapulted into space, just experiencing an entirely different reality than I could ever have imagined.

Sometimes it feels like I just have a completely different perspective on everything - and I'm ok with that, it's what makes me who I am now.  I suppose, without any choice in the matter, I have, metaphorically, sailed through space... the universe... well, my universe... and realised that sometimes, having a completely different perspective on things just makes life a bit more interesting.

"Drops Of Jupiter"

Train

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey

She acts like summer and walks like rain

Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey

Since the return from her stay on the moon

She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey 

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated 

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there 

Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey 

  *       *       *        *       *       *       *

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back to the Milky Way

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind

Was it everything you wanted to find

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there 

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back toward the Milky Way 

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

This song also reminds me of my first summer working at Camp Robindel, so not only does it have so much meaning for me, but it brings back such great memories and makes me think of many special friends.

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it"

I seem to have the flu, so I done even less than usual the last couple of days... basically, I have slept.  Today I did not even see daylight.  So, not a lot to write about really, and my thoughts go to dreams... both literal and metaphorical.

Anyway, today I just kept thinking of this song.  It's always been my favourite Madonna song, just because it conjures up such happy, evocative images and given that this week I am definitely determined to try to uplift myself (and doing so also uplifts everybody else according to yesterday's teabag),I have opted for another cheery song.:

Madonna - Dear Jessie

Ride the rainbow to the other side

Catch a falling star and then take a ride

To the river that sings and the clover that

Brings good luck to you

It's all true

Pink elephants and lemonade

Dear Jessie hear the laughter

Running through the love parade

Candy kisses and a sunny day

Dear Jessie see the roses

Raining on the love parade

If the land of make believe

Is inside your heart it will never leave

There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait

And dancing moons

For you

Close your eyes and you'll be there

Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair

Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old

Where dreams are made

Your love parade

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

I do not believe in miracles over the power of educated and skilled doctors; and I do not believe in magic over science; but there is a part of me that feels my recovery is also about my belief in my own wishes; my determination - through action - to make them come true and I feel this song expresses that.  I do also believe that positive thought is a good thing.  In gymnastics they say, "there's no such word as can't" in the gym - and that's because if you're going to attempt to defy gravity, you have to believe it's going to work.... if you don't believe it, you will come crashing down - and not because of gravity (usually), but because of your lack of belief in your ability to conquer the move.  Sometimes all my shoulder work feels a bit like that - I know science and medicine and skilled doctors and physios are my lifeline; my foundation; but I also know the hard work has to comes from me too and that I have to believe my hard work will get me results.  Therefore my dreams and my wishes are my positive thoughts - me visualising success (just wishing for it to come a little faster!).

It also makes me think of a quote by a favourite childhood author:

  

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

~ Roald Dahl

Uplift everybody...

My herbal tea bags have little philosophies on the tags.  Tonight it says "Uplift everybody and uplift yourself" so I'm posting the most uplifting music video I can think of.

It doesn't really have any specific lyrics I love or think are especially inspirational, but I find it a happy, uplifting song.

The world's biggest flash mob all dancing together to the Black Eyed Peas singing I Gotta Feeling on the Oprah show a few years ago:
(the good bit starts about 1 minute into the video, but this was the best HD video I could find)

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

“Behave so the aroma of your actions may enhance the general sweetness of the atmosphere.”

~ Henry David Thoreau