Perseverance...

Perseverance.....  it's innate really!
Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that as we get older.

From instagram

"Never

never

never

give 

up."

- Winston Churchill - 

Wrist surgery: I have gory photos!

I'm going to let the pictures tell most of the story here - it's much easier just now!


First though..........


Photo 1:  Day before surgery......... not knowing exactly how I was going to feel, or what I was going to be able to do, despite feeling knackered I went out with my mum.  I decided it might be the last time in a wee while for 'real clothes' (ie not sweatpants), make-up & my hair done properly. Vanity?  Maybe..... but really more: 'it makes me feel like ME ' than I care what anyone else thinks. It's taken a while to get to here, this is a reminder I have done it before & I'll do it again.  And it was a good decision!  Not sure when I'll manage buttons again; or sleeves with cuffs!  And even pulling leggings up with one semi-functional arm isn't easy when it can't reach all the way around my body!  Sweatpants and ponchos are my current fashion statement! (Yes, together.) :-D


Photo 2: Hospital gowns just aren't that flattering!  I would totally redesign these.  Plus they just give the illusion of privacy & then different people still have to stick different tubes/ sensors/ needles etc through all the holes that absolutely do *NOT* sit in the right places on me.  I am not a 'one size fits all' in anything!

The difference a day (& some make-up & sunglasses) makes!

Briefly: surgery went ok.

Pre-op:

Not much point in looking ridiculous if  you can't laugh at it (I'd redesign those hats too)!

And the IV into my SORE right side did hurt, but I declined the offer to have it in my FOOT
- I'll stick with a wrecked upper body & not invite other areas to join in..... 

Post-op dressing & FAT fingers:

On my inspirational pillow!

My friend actually sent me this pillow after my first surgery for my 30th birthday
- the entire pillow in a massive parcel from Scotland to the US.
 Made with one of my very favourite quotes - it's seen a lot in those 3 years!

Ice became my favourite thing for a few days again!

The surgeries were:

• carpal tunnel release 
• a nerve release
• deQuervain's release
• a tendon release
• trigger finger (thumb) release
• a tendon release; should stop my thumb getting 'stuck' in position
• wrist arthroscopy
• "cleaned out a load of junk"
• "junk" = inflammation & frayed/ damaged/ dead tissue

These all essentially create more space in an area so nerves/ tendons/ joints aren't being 'squeezed' by too much inflamed tissue making movement extremely painful/ impossible.

My surgeon has said the surgery went very well - and he was pleased not to find any torn ligaments, which he thought were a possibility.  

Incision photos below  

I must admit, there's something a little satisfying about these for me.  My shoulder was so neat and barely bruised with very little swelling with both ops - even the scapular one, which was major surgery...... ok, I have my 18 staples photo but it really doesn't look like it FELT.  This............. this pretty much looks like it feels!  

After I showed my Dad the incisions on Tuesday, he said "Now I understand why you're sore." (And made appropriate "ooft" noises".)  My Mum said - "Did you not believe her?!"  So............ justification! This HURTS right now!

(P.S. My right shoulder/ side still HURTS too............. and it's pretty useless. I suppose it wasn't magically going to come to life because the other side is suddenly totally out of commission!  It's trying - I'm trying -  really; but 'we' were trying before this; always trying - and it's still as useful - or as useless! - as it was last week, or the week before.  My head is becoming as useful as my feet - really! - but I have consciously had to stop using my teeth or I am going to break them on something!  It's pretty frustrating.)

Each cut is a different thing from the list above (there's still a lot of marker pen; I think the surgeon just liked drawing!):

Bottom of thumb: trigger finger release - there are stitches you can't really see for the ink (& blood)

Base of palm: carpal tunnel release

Quite a bit of bruising, even on my hand, which is kind of unusual for me as generally don't bruise much - more justification for the pain I have!  Got lots of arnica!

deQuervain's release along lower forearm/ wrist - still covered

Arthroscopic incisions on the top of my hand

Surgeon removing the stitches from the arthroscopic incisions

Incisions/ stitches re-covered after surgical dressing was removed

Custom made splint

Watched as the therapist made this, shaped it to my wrist/ thumb; reheated
the plastic (in hot water) again, re-molded it to my wrist; fitted it, reheated to cut
to size; repeat until the perfect fit  -  it was pretty cool!

Back next week to get the rest of the stitches out and the splint readjusted.  

And I should make a confession....... I don't know why; it's not the worst pain I've had - it wasn't even the worst pain I had right then; but after I'd photographed my surgeon removing my stitches, had a good look at my gory incisions and bruises (& I know they're not the worst - but I was expecting 4 dots and two 1cm incisions - that's what he drew on me in the appointment prior to surgery!); we went through to the therapy room where I'd get my splint, sat down and kind of suddenly, I said to my mum, "I don't feel great."  She told me to put my head down on the table.  Less than a minute later, she told me to put my head between my legs.  Ugh.  There were OTHER PEOPLE there.  I know I get severe pain responses with my right shoulder - but that's usually when I'm trying to make it work hard - or someone else is.  This just washed right over me for no apparent reason until the room was swimming.  Fast.  Head down, the therapist (who was doing about ten things at once) came over pretty quickly.  Next thing I was 'assisted' through to a separate room and laid on a bed with ice on my neck and my feet up........... and given a (compulsory) lollipop!

Note my Mum smiling!

(Just because she's the one who usually passes out!)

The quote from my pillow -  always good advice - words to live by: 

“Learn from yesterday,

live for today,

hope for tomorrow."

   ~  Albert Einstein   ~

t minus 12 days

"Some are destined to succeed, 

some are determined to succeed."

~ H.H. Swami Tejomayananda ~

t minus 17 days

One week down

"Success is dependent on effort."

~ Sophocles ~

There's no such word as CAN'T in the gym....

Thinking about pain, physical therapy, surgery recovery, pain... again - it's hard not to think about it when you feel it 24/7, screaming at you above everything else; stealing your concentration and attention away from something thought ought to be infinitely more interesting and therefore effortlessly hold your focus; but the screaming from your body just never takes a break.  So….. I have been reading about pain; pain tolerance; pain threshold; pain scales.  Trying to learn about pain, and realising that as a chronic pain sufferer, I probably know just about as much as researchers know; from a different perspective, perhaps, but the point is I did not find any groundbreaking, life-saving solution to any of my problems.  Even trying to figure out what I should be doing - at what point is it good to push my body, but still let it heal? - doesn't have a simple answer.  So if nobody can tell me, how do I figure that out?  And how do I figure that out?

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/once-a-gymnast/

Finding the limit is the problem now...

 I'm genuinely beginning to think gymnastics - especially from a young age -  makes your brain form differently.  This is suspected (supported by a few studies) regarding learning a musical instrument; and research into bilingualism shows language learning definitely affects neural development.  I suspect starting gymnastics at a young age is a bit like learning a language.  If you learn a language before the age of ~7 years, your brain learns it as a first language - neural connections are formed differently.  I learned the language of gymnastics well before the age of 7.  Despite the fact I haven't trained or competed for 14 years in gymnastics, or 10 years in trampolining, those things don't leave you….. No matter how much you try!

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/once-a-gymnast/
(Typo not mine!)

  

The language of gymnastics [abbreviated]:

"There's no such word as can't in the gym"

"If you think you can't, you won't"

"Always end on a good one"

And things like this make perfect sense:

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/once-a-gymnast/

*"you're in the air"
Typo not mine... again!

Because that is how you get results: 

My last British Trios Finals 2001
(before I broke another bone & had to quit)

But now…...

"There's no such word as can't in the gym"

To physio:

"Yes, you can push my arm as far as you want... did I tell you my gum is bleeding because I'm biting on it?  Just saying…"

"Yes, I can do this - I can still see in front of me, it's only black behind me, so I'm fine."

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/once-a-gymnast/

"If you think you can't, you won't"

To physio:

"Yes, this is ok....... should I be feeling sick though?"

"Yes, it's going - how sore should it get before I stop you? It's beginning to sparkle now…"

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/once-a-gymnast/

"Always end on a good one"

To physio:

[Eyes closed, sweat dripping off me, breathing increased, heart booming, room spinning]: "But I didn't do the full set... I'm not finished...*Will this actually do more damage...? No? OK. Finish then."

*(Um, yeah I confess to doing this one on Wednesday - yesterday.  It was 'only' two more reps... out of a total of 5.... for a muscle that hasn't really worked that way for 43 months. I slept in the car on the way home.)

[Ditto]: "But that last one was terrible..... I'll just do one more." [Collapse on floor]

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/once-a-gymnast/

So apparently I have 'syncope without loss of consciousness' - that means fainting without actually appearing to faint.  This adds to the confusion - have I fainted?  Or not?
THEN WHAT DO I DO??!!

Lesson:

Physios do not count any of those as "cans". (Sometimes they shout at you, actually.  Nicely.)  'Trying' when it is sparkling or black behind you or you are seeing black dots; you can taste vomit, or blood; you are dripping with sweat after lifting (holding, really) a ONE pound weight; you can only do it if you close your eyes……..  do not count as 'trying' either.  They are generally regarded as doing too much and produce orders like "Stop. Now." or "Lie down….. Lie down NOW." or shouted to their interns - "get me a chair!"  and "get me water!"

In the gym, bleeding gums, spinning heads and feeling sick may be the norm; recovering from an injury is not the same as gymnastics. (Mantra: repeat ad infinitum.) 


Second Lesson 
[doctor/ physio attempting to enter my head]:

"If you worked really hard at training one day, you would take a rest day the next day.  This is like that."

"It's like anything: work a day, rest a day, work a day, rest a day…."

"If you were sore after training one night, you would take the next night off, wouldn't you?"

Umm……. I'm really trying, and I know what you're saying here…….. but I don't understand………..

Yup.  I think gymnastics skews your perspective on life.  It means we learn young how to work hard, develop great time management skills*; we are trained to demand perfection from ourselves - on top of a natural instinct; to never give up (and in our heads, we still think our bodies have the capabilities it had when we were teenagers).  Getting injured (severely) is not a good idea.  Physios and doctors - you will probably hate any ex-gymnast patients you have! (Also because we also know exactly how we like our ankle/ wrist/ knee/ elbow wrapped; what tape we want to use, and exactly where we want it...)

*Yes Mum, I know this does not apply to me right now....... I have good reasons! And I really do try!

Just for fun.... things that are not really 'normal' (apparently):
(All from: http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/)

I'd kind of forgotten about this, but it didn't strike me as
abnormal until I read this on Pinterest.  Last year!

As do gymnasts!

I didn't realise this was weird until the first time we did a group project
at uni and everyone was kind of staring...

It's incredibly difficult to resist this.  Still.

                                     

This is not normal? I still don't understand.... it's natural!

A little nostalgia:

Yeah, see below!

What a feeling........!
(Yes, that's me.)

 And too true:

However, I also think - a little bit of that stubborn determination built in may just feel like it's saving you sometimes.

http://www.pinterest.com/gmun22/

‘The greater danger for most of us is

not that our aim is too high and we miss it,

but that it is too low and we reach it.’

~ Michelangelo  ~

Happiness

Another gem from Pintrest... and I really hope it is true.

Sometimes, when I am being super-optimistic (or perhaps when I'm trying to make myself feel optimistic) , I focus on the benefits.  It strange to think there are benefits that come of out being ill, and/ or dealing with a horrendous injury (or with anything else that completely and totally turns your life upside down) but focusing on these is a positive thing to do - to accept that there are certain things that are different because of my illness.  For example,  I will never take my health for granted; it means I will always appreciate my family, more than I thought imaginable; I have learned that I some very special friends who have stuck by me through the very worst times; it means I have had time to truly think about what I want out of life and how I want to get there; and over and above everything else: I want to be happy. So I have a goal, a challenge, something to work towards.  And if John Lennon understood that when he was five, he truly was a genius!

“Live the life you've dreamed”

  ~ Henry David Thoreau

She believed she could...

... so she did.

I came across this quote/ image on Pintrest recently and I absolutely love it.  Talk about being simple, to the point, and still inspirational!  I've tried searching to find the author or origin, but the quote is all over cyberspace without any author attributed. (If anyone knows, please let me know.)

Just keeping things short and simple today, like the quote.  I think I got cramp in my rhomboid muscle tonight.  Picture an overly dramatic footballer hitting the ground with cramp in his calf, switch it to the shoulder and factor in some major torn-repaired-drilled-post-surgical-pain-issues as well and that's getting close.  I bit my pillow while Mum half-balanced, half-held a hot water bottle on my scapula until I stopped seeing black spots and sweating; and my ability to breathe and talk (and cry) returned;  and then I thought..... my muscles are trying to work!!

Then it did it a couple more times and my attempt to be positive and excited kind of dissipated, beaten back by the ferocious pain; but it feels like, maybe, my muscles are waking up... hopefully my physio thinks this is good when I see him tomorrow.  And then hopefully this phase will not last very long.

I don't believe life is really simple, but I do think we over-complicate it (as I am doing to this eloquent, simple quote!).  Sometimes it's nice to have a reminder that it doesn't have to be complicated all the time; sometimes, we can just decide to do something - and we do it.

Happy Monday everyone!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. 

  ~  Confucious

I AM A FIGHTER

I've always loved this song for its phenomenal feel-good, tough girl, motivational lyrics and beat.  It's just the kind of song that should be offended by being left out, so here it is!

This song makes me think of my fight with my body.  It's a really difficult thing to realise that your body is not infallible; that it can let you down with such emphatic defiance.  I know lots of people who have coped with that in different ways, each has gone through (and is going through) his/her "fight" to get back to that thing we call normal (does it exist, anyway?!)

The reason I called my blog "out of the lyme light" was, obviously so the world "lyme" was in it, but because I really did feel, when I started writing and reflecting, that I was emerging as a different person from the person who began the journey.  I feel the same about dealing with all my shoulder issues and I think this song captures that idea - that when something bad happens, we can choose how we deal with it; and we can choose to let it break us; or we can choose to fight, emerging from the battle... or maybe the war... a different person - someone who has proven to themselves what they are capable of; learning new things about themselves; and using their newly found skills to help other people too.  Not despite it all, but because of it all.

"Fighter"

 Christina Aguilera

[Spoken:]

After all that you put me through,

You think I'd despise you,

But in the end I wanna thank you,

'Cause you've made me that much stronger

  *        *        *        *        *        *        * 

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know

Just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it

[Chorus:]

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

  *        *        *        *        *        *        *

I am a fighter and I

I ain't gonna stop

There is no turning back

I've had enough

[Chorus]

You thought I would forget

But I remembered

'Cause I remembered

I remembered

You thought I would forget

I remembered

'Cause I remembered

I remembered

[Chorus]

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

“Dwell in possibility.”       ~ Emily Dickinson