Positivity in honesty

My goal is positivity, but sometimes one of the best ways to be positive is to be completely honest with yourself and admit there are some days that just can't be dressed up with scented oils and rose petals; or concealer, hotpink lipstick, and sunglasses. There is pain that is untouchable and cannot be moved by any type of painkillers, pain creams, TENS units, pain patches, hot baths with muscle soaks, or even the slightly weird binaural beats that are actually helpful sometimes (and I've read the brain imaging science behind them.... I'm just not 100% sure YouTube and peer reviewed cognitive neuroscience journals have the same standards when it comes to binaural beats.  Although to be honest, if all they do is provide a kind of white noise-neuro-TENS-unit kind of thing, I don't really care.  In that moment.)

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Sometimes you just have to wave the white flag, admit any attempt to function today is entirely futile and snuggle up with a dimmed computer screen and Netflix at a volume only dogs should be able to hear. 


The most important thing about these days -  which can be hard when you have been battling an illness for so long..... and especially hard because they often come in clusters.... or clusters of clusters!   For me, that's eleven and a half years of battle.  I've had higher points and I've had lower points - I'm really hoping for an upard climb soon (karma..... that would be really nice please!); but for some people it may be a few months, for others it may be lifelong - we all fight our own battles, and we will never truly understand someone else's battle.  Regardless of that, it's really important to remind yourself of this:

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Because, let's be honest, you don't need to have a chronic illness or injury, or to be recovering from a surgery, or to have the flu to declare DUVET DAY. Sometimes we all just need a recharge, for whatever reason.  Personally, I think calling a duvet day after watching the news is a perfectly legitimate reason right now!!

Learn from yesterday,

Live for today,

Hope for tomorrow.

 - Einstein - 

t minus 18 days

I very much realise that there are people living in a far more hellish situation than I am; but right now, today, I am going through my own kind of hell.  My body is screaming at me again, but I am using every ounce of mental effort not to question that; to focus on the physical effort for now - persevering, determined to give this my best shot, to see if I can break through this pain barrier and create a return of 'normal' movement patterns.  But it is hard.  Today, my body is paying for being pushed to its limit at physio yesterday; but I have to keep at it and push it to its limit again today.  I genuinely don't know if it is "killing me or... making me stronger" but I have to work at it, give it time and effort before we will know.  So it does feel like working through my own, physical, hell - the pain is my hell and if working through it will get rid of it (even improve it slightly), right now, that is my incentive, my reason to keep going.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

~ Winston Churchill ~