Monday, April 8, 2013

Optimism vs. Realism

I feel as if I'm in a bit of a slump.  I had ONE really good day about 10 days ago, about the best I've had since my surgery - my cold felt like it had finally lifted, so my head felt a bit clearer, my pain wasn't really much improved but I didn't have any 'surges' of intense pain that day and, even although I was consciously terrified to think it, I did wonder if perhaps I was turning a corner; taking another step up.  Then reality slapped me in the face again and my pain seemed to increase... again... and along with that just comes this sheer exhaustion which I honestly feel seems worse the longer my pain goes on.

I attempted to power through last week - Feldenkrais, physio, a few hours out with my Mum and by Thursday my body pretty much said, no more, I'm done, and I slept for 21 out of 24 hours.  That's a record, even for me.

Sometimes - afterwards - I almost hate those good days. It's like a little hint of what could be... and then it disappears again... honestly, it just feels unfair.  And I do try my very best not to moan and complain because it's not helpful, it doesn't actually achieve anything; there are many people who have far worse things to deal with than I do; plus people who do complain all the time drive me mad.  And I think - for anyone going through anything - a positive attitude is essential, simply for staying sane... but sometimes... well, let's face it, everyone's thought it at some point: life just isn't fair.

BUT every now and then, getting it all out is good for my sanity too....!

I know this is still a long process, and I know I still have a long way to go, and I know nothing is magically going to get better overnight; I'm not simply going to wake up, have a good day and everything is going to magically disappear... I do know all that. But somehow, every good day just brings with it a little whisper of hope, a wish that this really will be the beginning of every day being a better day; and I think that is why the bad day that follows feels even worse.  It's not just a bad day, it's optimism colliding with realism at the speed of light. Crash.

Luckily, optimism is pretty resilient and lives for another (good) day.  Even if it takes a few days to pull itself together again...

So, to give that optimism a little boost, I've decided to challenge myself again to find some inspirational posters (yes, I've been spending a lot of time on Pintrest again...) for some positive reinforcement...


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