Today

Well, I survived January! Yay!  I didn't make any new year's resolutions because I don't really believe in them.  I don't believe in trying to do something because it's the beginning of a new year, or a new month, or beginning a diet (or whatever) at the beginning of a new week because tomorrow is always a new day and new months, or news years are really just arbitrary dates.  If you 'break' your diet on a Wednesday (it's an easy example), who says you have to give up for the rest of the week?  Just strengthen you resolve and start again tomorrow.

I really feel that looking at things from that kind of perspective is what helps me cope with everything just now - and there is so much advice like that (one step at a time; one day at a time; little by little etc.) so when I have a bad day, or an extra-painful day, or I feel disappointed that my movement hasn't been good one day; I always tell myself it has just been one day and tomorrow is a new today.  It might sound a bit weird, but I think it helps.  And I think there are so many situations in life that are made easier by focusing on the present; not worrying too much about things we can't control.

So, to end January, and welcome the second month of 2013, and another new day:  

"Today My Life Begins"

Bruno Mars

I've been working hard so long

Seems like pain has been my only friend

My fragile heart's been done so wrong

I wondered if I'd ever heal again

Oh just like all the seasons never stay the same

All around me I can feel a change (oh)

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

Leave the past behind me, today my life begins

A whole new world is waiting its mine for the taking

I know I can make it today my life begins

Yesterday has come and gone

And I've learn how to leave it where it is

And I see that I was wrong

For ever doubting I could win

 (Chorus)

Life's too short to have regrets

So I'm learning now to leave it in the past and try to forget

Only have one life to live

So you better make the best of it

  (Chorus)

  (Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

And the perfect sentiment to finish January with my all-time favourite quote:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

~ Albert Einstein And now to think of a February challenge..

Dance

I've had a really sore day today after all the pushing, pulling and testing my muscles went through yesterday so I've chosen what I think is a simple, but beautiful, inspirational song. It always makes me think about how tiny and insignificant we really are in this amazing world we live in - but we still get the chance to live one life and we should always choose to dance; to experience every opportunity that we get and to live life to the max, as much as we can.

"I Hope You Dance"

Lee Ann Womak

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,

May you never take one single breath for granted,

GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,

When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. 

Dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.. 

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along 

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

 (Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

It's too hard to choose just one quote this song inspires, so I have three:

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.”    ~ Emily Dickinson

To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all.

  ~  Oscar Wilde

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

  ~ Mark Twain

EXPLORE ~ DREAM ~ DISCOVER ~ DANCE

BE AMAZED

BE AMAZING

One step at a time

Each night this month when I have sat down at my computer to write my blog I choose a song I like that fits my mood, or inspires me, or motivates me, or comforts me on that particular day.  Sometimes I've spent some time online, or on itunes (I hate itunes) paying close attention to lyrics, other times songs have just jumped out at me, but today I've actually had this song going through my head for half the day.  To be honest,  I had to look up who sings it and what the entire song is, but this one line "One step at a time" just kept playing in my head, on repeat, almost all day.  Perhaps my subconscious has better (pop) musical knowledge than the rest of my brain because the rest of the lyrics are a pretty perfect fit with my feelings today too.


Today I had my appointment with the specialist physio, Marty, who is consulting on my case.  He hasn't seen me since November so he gets a bit of perspective which can be a good thing -  it's hard to see improvements when I'm plodding along day by day; he sees me every few weeks, so the improvements are more noticeable to him.  Today he was pleased with some increased motion - more of my arm than my scapula - but my measurements have improved a bit; and with some "spontaneous movement" - i.e. that I can do naturally now, like my super shoulder shrugs, although in all respects he is still very clear that I have a long way to go (it's ok... I know that).  When he compares me today to how I was in September, he is optimistic.  There's a bit of me that feels kind of reassured when I see him because he does notice the improvement, measures it, compares it with the last visit and is calm and measured and honest about everything.  Each time he's been pleased with several things, although his main concern is still the level of pain I have constantly and everyone still thinks the solution is getting back natural movement, but I have to get there without overexacerbating the pain. (I'm not entirely sure that's a word, but everything exacerbates it, so I'm going with the hyperbolic neologism.)


I am however, kind of excited about trying a couple of new things... I'm not sure if excited is exactly the right word to use, but I feel like they could have the potential to be really helpful.


First, one of my little exercises I have been doing is a kind of semi-demi-port-de-bra-thing (my own, completely modified, ballet arms exercise for the non-dancers reading) and it seems to give me much more flowing, natural feeling movement than the other exercises I have. (Confession: I started doing it because I went to see the Nutcracker ballet before xmas and was trying to see what position I could get my arm into. Nothing much more than second position, but enough to play about with. And more than a few months ago.)  Within a small range, the movement has increased in fluidity pretty quickly, relative to other exercises.  It feels nice and flow-y, instead of like I'm trying to lift a dead weight, which is really how my arm feels with a lot of the other exercises, simple as they are.


Today, Marty said he felt I should try to get creative with my exercises.  He told me a story about an 80 year-old Chinese patient he had, she had suffered a bad shoulder fracture and her movement was terrible.  He was trying very hard to get her to do exercises but she was really struggling with the movement and then after 3 or 4 appointments she asked him if she could do Tai Chi, which she had practised for years.  He asked her to show him and said that "she turned from a caterpillar to a butterfly" right in front of him.  Her movement was fluid and smooth and completely different from attempting the 'normal' exercises.  He said this was only three years ago and she taught him the importance of muscle memory in a situation like that. (As an aside, I have so much respect for someone so highly qualified, experienced and esteemed in his profession who can say they are still learning.  For me it is the very definition of confidence versus arrogance. It's pretty rare, it seems.)


Watching me do a few "ballerina-type" moves, he said that I should try to think about what moves would work for me - obviously nothing extreme in relation to shoulder movement (which would be impossible anyway), but movement that feels natural to my body, rather than movement that is fighting it.  It makes sense to me.  I have already tried it with a couple of things so I think I'll have to get on YouTube and do some searching for some ballet fusion exercises, or something similar. 


Nothing about this has been normal - the extent of the injury in the first place was likely due to the flexibility of my shoulder; then all the damage combined made it quite unique; then the length of time added further complexity; and then I needed the incredibly rare surgery... so it really fits that everything about the recovery is going to be outside the box - and designed to work with my body - too.  My muscles really developed from age 3 to age 22 with dance and gymnastics moves, so it also makes sense to me that my muscles/ muscle memory will respond to that.  At least it might make it a bit interesting coming up with some different exercises... just what Angelo (my regular physio) wants from me: another challenge!


The other thing I am going to try is something called the Feldenkrais method which is 'somatic re-education' and works on the neuromuscular movements.  I stumbled across it a couple of days ago (very weirdly on a piano discussion forum in which a frozen scapula was mentioned), thought it sounded interesting and Marty has fully endorsed the idea.  I hope to start that in the next couple of weeks, so more info coming up when I learn more about it.


And I've to try to play the piano more too - right hand scales and finger exercises.  I tried to play last week and I was dreadful, plus, my newly ambidextrous brain, that has been reading music since I was 7 and piano music since I was 10, was trying very very hard to read the bass clef as the treble and I kept hitting the wrong notes.  It's really weird, I've never been strongly right-sided, although I do have a slight preference for my right hand but have always done some things left-handed (I put mascara on my left eye with my left hand and my right eye with my right hand... stuff like that) but my left hand has been my dominant hand for 18 months now (I can even use a knife AND scissors with it - big achievement! The world is created for right-handed people.... over 5 feet 2, I am fighting on many fronts right now.) Anyway, I am SO mixed up over left and right at the moment.  I get it wrong constantly.... Who wants to fMRI my brain??


So generally it was a good appointment because it definitely had some positive aspects, but I also completed the shoulder function questionnaire that I complete each visit and I'd improved from 15 points to 18 points (out of about 60) on functionality which kind of put things back into perspective.  So, I have some good things to focus on and some new things to try, but I think  "one step at a time" seems like the perfect (only!) perspective to have right now.

"One Step At A Time"

Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]

We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen when it's

Supposed to happen and we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you always wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer

But there's no end in sight

when you need to find the strength

It's your faith that makes you stronger

The only way you get there

Is one step at a time

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

I've used this quote before, but not for a while and it is definitely the perfect quote for today, and for these lyrics:

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

             ~ Lao Tzu

I AM A FIGHTER

I've always loved this song for its phenomenal feel-good, tough girl, motivational lyrics and beat.  It's just the kind of song that should be offended by being left out, so here it is!

This song makes me think of my fight with my body.  It's a really difficult thing to realise that your body is not infallible; that it can let you down with such emphatic defiance.  I know lots of people who have coped with that in different ways, each has gone through (and is going through) his/her "fight" to get back to that thing we call normal (does it exist, anyway?!)

The reason I called my blog "out of the lyme light" was, obviously so the world "lyme" was in it, but because I really did feel, when I started writing and reflecting, that I was emerging as a different person from the person who began the journey.  I feel the same about dealing with all my shoulder issues and I think this song captures that idea - that when something bad happens, we can choose how we deal with it; and we can choose to let it break us; or we can choose to fight, emerging from the battle... or maybe the war... a different person - someone who has proven to themselves what they are capable of; learning new things about themselves; and using their newly found skills to help other people too.  Not despite it all, but because of it all.

"Fighter"

 Christina Aguilera

[Spoken:]

After all that you put me through,

You think I'd despise you,

But in the end I wanna thank you,

'Cause you've made me that much stronger

  *        *        *        *        *        *        * 

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know

Just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it

[Chorus:]

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

  *        *        *        *        *        *        *

I am a fighter and I

I ain't gonna stop

There is no turning back

I've had enough

[Chorus]

You thought I would forget

But I remembered

'Cause I remembered

I remembered

You thought I would forget

I remembered

'Cause I remembered

I remembered

[Chorus]

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

“Dwell in possibility.”       ~ Emily Dickinson

Gotta try try try......

Every day I time I write this blog I wish I could start it with something really positive - some amazing progress in my movement, or the magical disappearance of my pain... or the magical discovery of a drug or concoction of drugs (herbs, teas, whatever... I try them all) that has made my pain vanish (not only would  that be great for me right now, I reckon it might make me rich too...)  However, every time I sit (lie) down with my computer and start to type it always feels like my reflections are negative.

I hate to seem negative, and most of the time when anyone asks how I'm feeling, they rarely get the full, honest answer.  It seems so much like complaining.  Although writing feels more like reflecting; therapy... even if I still have to look forward to the time the reflections are more positive.

This week feels a bit like it's just been one of those weeks again.  My pain got worse on Tuesday night and really hasn't eased in that specific area since then.  When the pain increases, all I want to do is sleep; except (as yesterday's blog explains) I don't sleep at bedtime - I take all these crazy drugs that I HATE that I'm still taking, sometimes they work well, sometimes they just take the edge off for a short time and it's not enough for me to fall asleep; I end up topping up my ice machine at 4am; topping up the drugs at 6am and then eventually falling asleep.... all damn day.  I've tried the very logical - just make yourself wake up early and you'll go to sleep early.  Nope, doesn't work.  I've even tried - several weeks ago - just giving up on sleep.  One day, late last year, I went to physio on zero sleep, had a normal day and then still couldn't sleep until after 4am.  I think I said this before, my Doctor reckons I should just give in to my body's time zone and try living in Hawaii or Tahiti. Good plan.

In the meantime, trying to get comfortable in between (literally) a dozen - maybe more actually - pillows, hot water bottle and ice machine shouldn't be THIS HARD!! 

Every day, I always do my exercises - I do have a new one this week.  I have to try to strengthen my subscapularis (muscle under my scapula) by pulling on red tubing.  Doing this with my right arm makes me feel like I am getting really strong - I can pull! - I'm improving! - and then I do it with my left (just for balance) and my new-found illusion of strength quickly dissipates.  The tubing is not very difficult to stretch.   Anyway, I'm taking what I can get, I could barely tie my shoelaces a few months ago!  And the plan behind this is that it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps, theoretically, be the case that if my new pain is actually the scapula 'unsticking' and the pain is perhaps, maybe, possibly caused by the bone pulling on all the weak muscles, then it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps... be reduced by strengthening the subscapularis muscle which would hold it in place. This would be a good thing. Well, really, it's absolutely all relative, but in my case, right now, IF that is the case, it would mean what my physio has been trying to do for 3-4 months is actually working.

It was working before; in a gentle way, my measurements slowly increased at the end of last year; my arm movement (i.e. the head of the humerus was moving and not stuck) was better and very s - l - o - w - l - y, certain arm positions were achieved, mostly with assistance at the moment 

IF, however, this pain is coming from scapular winging, it means the scapula is no longer completely stuck down by scar tissue and I'm hoping that might mean more options, faster.

I see my specialist physio, Marty Kelly on Tuesday morning in Philadelphia so I will be all prepared with questions and hope that he will see some small improvements since November.

However, I tried to read up on "frozen scpaula" again today and found that on Google, Ask and AOL, my blog is the first hit in "frozen scapula".  So, that's kind of cool, but totally not helpful in my quest to find more information!   I've love to hear from anyone who stumbles across my blog while searching for their own information - I believe we all have useful things to share.

In the meantime, all I can do is TRY  - as can anyone, everyone, with everything we all have going on.  So I have selected Pink's song and I'm going to see if I can find the live dance from the AMAs to put below the lyrics.

Let's consider it a motivational PINK (who's just awesome anyway) song of the week.  This week is about TRYING.

"Try"

PINK

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

  *        *        *        *        *        *

Ever worry that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you're out there doing what you're doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

  *        *        *        *        *        *

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

And for some amazing extra super motivational PINK :

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

Always true:

Success is dependent on effort

 ~ Sophpocles

Can't Sleep

A more literal choice tonight.... pretty self explanatory!  I have had such awful insomnia this week due to some pain that we think might be the lateral edge of my scapula coming 'unstuck' at the bottom.  This would really be a good thing because that has been the point of all my drug-enabled-therapy, but it also means that one tiny fraction is coming unstuck and the rest seems stuck still, and the muscles have no strength in them, so it feels like one edge of my scapula is trying to constantly pull away from my body but all the other muscles are not strong enough to "hold" so instead it's just pain and pulling and burning and much unpleasantness...

It really has been keeping me awake so I've resorted to all combinations of drugs that seem to work sometimes, then not others.  I am sure I would feel much better if I could just get some sleep - so, thank you Morven, this song is perfect!

"Sleep"

Spend my nights howlin' at the moon,

Never wake before noon,

When the sun, it rises,

Oh, it always rises soon,

'Cause I spend my nights howlin' at the moon, yeah,

I never get sleep, sleep, sleep,

No, I just reach, rea-, reach,

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep,

(I can't get no sleep,

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep,

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep,

Don't know why,)

Spend my night shootin' at the stars, yeah,

Tryin' to change the world with this guitar,

And I know it's a long shot, but it's working out so far,

So I spend my nights shootin' at the stars, hey,

I never get sleep, sleep, sleep,

No, I just reach, rea-, reach,

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep,

I can't get no sleep (never get sleep),

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep (never get sleep),

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep (never get sleep),

Don't know why,

I can't get no sleep,

(Count sheep),

I've already tried,

(Drink whiskey),

It makes my throat too dry,

(Smoke weed),

It makes my eyes all red,

(Take a pill, Al),

What, and end up dead?

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep, hey,

I never get sleep, sleep, sleep,

No, I just reach, rea-, reach,

I can feel it on the ends of my fingers,

And taste it on the tips of my teeth,

So you see why I never get sleep, yeah,

Yeah, you see why I never get sleep,

Oh, so you see why I never get sleep.

(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

At least I am fortunate enough to be able to sleep all day when sleep at night eludes me.... like today.  Today, (despite setting my alarm clock for 2pm - reset to this at 9am, I'd had a little sleep before that,but not much; got up to get ice packs and reset alarm) I woke up, first thought is still always "ouch"; tried to pull myself into the world of consciousness; noticed it was still light outside (I could see a sliver of light above the curtains), reckoned I'd woken up before my alarm went off (a rarity), reached for my phone and it was..... 5pm. Couldn't believe it. Oh well, at least the nights are getting lighter...

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. 

~ Edgar Allan Poe 

F - R - I - E - N - D - S

Sometimes it just takes is a kind word, an email, a text message, a facebook post, or a skype call to remind us life is all about our friends.

I don't feel I need to say a lot today, but sometimes I am reminded how incredibly lucky I am to have certain people in my life and this post is for them.

And since they are SO awesome, I have picked two songs... although if I had more space I would have picked many more...

A little help from my friends

The Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune,

Would you stand up and walk out on me.

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I get by with a little help from my friends,

I get high with a little help from my friends,

Going to try with a little help from my friends.

   *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I get by with a little help from my friends,

Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,

With a little help from my friends. 

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)

And, of course for our generation that grew up with:

This photo (above) is from 1994.  I remember when we'd actually be outside playing in the park - playing hunt or hunt on bikes, or rounders, or football, or bike races... and we always came in at 9pm on Fri night to watch Friends - sometimes as many as 12 of us crammed into my bedroom, watching on my tiny little portable screen TV. I love those memories.

It eventually moved on to this:

And F-R-I-E-N-D-S was compulsive viewing  in our university flat (Ebru, you know that's why you - and your boxsets - lived there, right?!)

We definitely grew up watching friends, so this also seems at appropriate song for MY friends.

I'll be there for you

The Rembrandts

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D O A

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week

Your month or even your year but

I'll be there for you

(When the rain starts to pour)

I'll be there for you

(Like I've been there before)

I'll be there for you

('Cause you're there for me too)

  *       *       *       *       *       *       *

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me

Since you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me

Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with

Someone I'll always laugh with

Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week

Your month, or even your year

I'll be there for you

(When the rain starts to pour)

I'll be there for you

(Like I've been there before)

I'll be there for you

('Cause you're there for me too)

(Again: I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited) 

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Always true: 

  

 Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there 

~ Confucius (I've also seen this attributed to Roald Dahl)