Tomorrow marks one year since my surgery. When I look back over my blog, and my diary, to this time last year I was filled with such optimism - a sense of excitement that, finally, I was going to be 'fixed'.
It's really hard for me to compare then and now. If everything had been the same, and I had still to make the same decisions, I know I made the right decisions and would make them again - without the surgery, I would never have regained the use of my right arm. But honestly, I thought I'd be handstanding by now!
My case has been unique, at least... I suppose... my doctors tell me it is "fascinating" and "interesting" for them, and that they are learning from it so at least I feel it will help someone else with a complex case in the future.
And I am getting there, it was probably better that I did not know how hard it would be, how long it would take, or, worst of all, how much pain I would continue to have now - one year on. But nobody knew how my body was going to respond. And nobody knows how much of a part Lyme plays in recovery from surgery either - there is some speculation, but there is no solid scientific evidence that gives any proven information on possible effects. It is easy to feel low, to feel I want to make faster progress, but I always remind myself that I would have made exactly the same decisions if I had to do it over. And at least that makes me realise that even although I wish I was more in control of it all; I wish I could speed up the healing; I am in the best possible place I can be in, given the circumstances I had to deal with.
At physio on Monday, I was complaining of increased headaches and neck pain and after a thorough assessment, Angelo said, "your neck's in the wrong place". Great... another super-weird thing I've been told this year. He told me I am trying to do too much again - a small improvement is exciting, but then trying to push it too much can have a negative effect. Sometimes it seems never-ending, but all I can do is keep at it, work hard (as appropriately as I am allowed) and still give my body time to heal... which, it still needs lots of, apparently! One of the hardest things is accepting that trying to do everything for myself is not the best thing for my body and accepting help with day-to-day things (as simple as filling or pouring a heavy kettle, even left-handed) is something I really need to do. It is just so difficult to feel like I have to say "I can't do this" a hundred times a day. I have always been determined and independent and I hate the feeling of failure and inadequacy that produces. At the same time, I then have to go back to the advice I was given last year about thinking of resting as "enabling healing" and that (sometimes) helps.... a bit...
I saw this on Pintrest, and given my life over the past year has been chaos (physically, emotionally, actually I think in every way imaginable!) I am therefore hopeful that this magic little bit of wisdom from cyberspace is correct and great changes will come from this.
Gotta keep some hope...........
It also reminded me of one of my very very favourite quotes, which I used exactly a year ago too:
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche