I hate to seem negative, and most of the time when anyone asks how I'm feeling, they rarely get the full, honest answer. It seems so much like complaining. Although writing feels more like reflecting; therapy... even if I still have to look forward to the time the reflections are more positive.
This week feels a bit like it's just been one of those weeks again. My pain got worse on Tuesday night and really hasn't eased in that specific area since then. When the pain increases, all I want to do is sleep; except (as yesterday's blog explains) I don't sleep at bedtime - I take all these crazy drugs that I HATE that I'm still taking, sometimes they work well, sometimes they just take the edge off for a short time and it's not enough for me to fall asleep; I end up topping up my ice machine at 4am; topping up the drugs at 6am and then eventually falling asleep.... all damn day. I've tried the very logical - just make yourself wake up early and you'll go to sleep early. Nope, doesn't work. I've even tried - several weeks ago - just giving up on sleep. One day, late last year, I went to physio on zero sleep, had a normal day and then still couldn't sleep until after 4am. I think I said this before, my Doctor reckons I should just give in to my body's time zone and try living in Hawaii or Tahiti. Good plan.
In the meantime, trying to get comfortable in between (literally) a dozen - maybe more actually - pillows, hot water bottle and ice machine shouldn't be THIS HARD!!
Every day, I always do my exercises - I do have a new one this week. I have to try to strengthen my subscapularis (muscle under my scapula) by pulling on red tubing. Doing this with my right arm makes me feel like I am getting really strong - I can pull! - I'm improving! - and then I do it with my left (just for balance) and my new-found illusion of strength quickly dissipates. The tubing is not very difficult to stretch. Anyway, I'm taking what I can get, I could barely tie my shoelaces a few months ago! And the plan behind this is that it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps, theoretically, be the case that if my new pain is actually the scapula 'unsticking' and the pain is perhaps, maybe, possibly caused by the bone pulling on all the weak muscles, then it could... possibly, maybe, perhaps... be reduced by strengthening the subscapularis muscle which would hold it in place. This would be a good thing. Well, really, it's absolutely all relative, but in my case, right now, IF that is the case, it would mean what my physio has been trying to do for 3-4 months is actually working.
It was working before; in a gentle way, my measurements slowly increased at the end of last year; my arm movement (i.e. the head of the humerus was moving and not stuck) was better and very s - l - o - w - l - y, certain arm positions were achieved, mostly with assistance at the moment
IF, however, this pain is coming from scapular winging, it means the scapula is no longer completely stuck down by scar tissue and I'm hoping that might mean more options, faster.
I see my specialist physio, Marty Kelly on Tuesday morning in Philadelphia so I will be all prepared with questions and hope that he will see some small improvements since November.
However, I tried to read up on "frozen scpaula" again today and found that on Google, Ask and AOL, my blog is the first hit in "frozen scapula". So, that's kind of cool, but totally not helpful in my quest to find more information! I've love to hear from anyone who stumbles across my blog while searching for their own information - I believe we all have useful things to share.
In the meantime, all I can do is TRY - as can anyone, everyone, with everything we all have going on. So I have selected Pink's song and I'm going to see if I can find the live dance from the AMAs to put below the lyrics.
Let's consider it a motivational PINK (who's just awesome anyway) song of the week. This week is about TRYING.
"Try"
PINK
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
*
* * *
* *
Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by
* * * * * *
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
And for some amazing extra super motivational PINK :
(As usual, I don't own any music/ videos etc. All linked to Youtube and artists accredited)
Always true:
Success is dependent on effort
~
Sophpocles
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